Thanksgiving

It's that time of year... The holidays are upon us and the days are cold but oh so busy.  The boys are full of joy and excitement about the days ahead.  The holidays are hard for me...

Over the last couple weeks I've asked over 50 kiddos about what they're thankful for or what the love most to eat at Thanksgiving.  I giggled with them and told them that I was Thankful for my boys, family, friends and even them! I joked that my favorite part of Thanksgiving was eating mac and cheese, and lots of pie (I actually hate pie)  I've had a ton of people ask me what my Thanksgiving plans are and I give the same standard answer... Oh, well the boys always spend Thanksgiving with their dad because I selfishly want Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my boys (This is VERY true) I don't have family here for us to celebrate with so its only right that they celebrate with their dad, then they can be with aunts, uncles and cousins.  

But, if i'm honest I don't want it like that.  I want to be able to offer them those things.  I miss planning a menu, shopping for ingredients and cooking a huge feast of our own.  I was actually really good at it believe it or not.  The boys and I have planned a breakfast feast just the 4 of us.  It's exciting and i know they're excited its just not the same.  Late morning their dad will come and pick them up and the house will go silent.  I'll likely cry and then realize that i need to pull it together this is now my life. I know that this won't be my forever and i know that one day i'll plan those large get togethers and have a house full of laughter but for now this is it.  I wouldn't change anything about my life path because I'm happier than I've been in a very long time and know only great things are coming for myself and the boys.

I'm blessed with incredible friends and will be spending time with some of them later in the day.  It won't make me miss my boys any less but i'm thankful for them! I truly have so many things to be thankful for this year, I am beyond blessed!

The Game of LIFE

The boys and I have been enjoying having regular game nights for awhile now.  Its a great time to be silly while working together.  Usually we each chose a game and take turns playing.  Last Sunday I was looking for the game of LIFE.  I was certain that we owned it but of course it was no where to be found.  I decided that i would get a new one so we could play it tonight.  Let me just start by saying that the game of LIFE has changed a bit since I've played it last.  We set the game up and started to play.  It was actually a really great learning and growing experience.  Each of the boys had to make a decision about college (even with the cost of tuition before them) Then they had the opportunity to buy homes, get married and have children.  Some of these were choices and others were just a part of life.  

They were a bit silly at times and the giggles contagious, when they each married and had kids they thought it was so silly.  When i got married Micah said... Oh man now i have a Step-dad.  (I didn't even know he knew the term) It started to get late so we had to put the game on hold but here is where we ended...  All boys decided to pay upfront and go to college (Thank God)

Noah

Career: Secret Agent

Home: Luxury Flat

Family: 3 Children and a Cat

Josiah

Career: Scientist that returned to night school to become a Lawyer

Home: Ranch

Family: No children and a Cat

Micah

Career: Doctor

Home: Flat, sold at a profit and bought a Dream Villa

Family: 1 child and a Cat

I'm a big fan of finding quality time with your kiddos and slowing down in life.  I'm hopeful that these are the things they'll remember when they're older.  Life doesn't always turn out exactly how we planned it to be.  Sometimes you have to make hard choices and take detours. 

Even Then...

A couple nights ago i started to panic, I started to fear the feeling of being alone. I texted one of my closest friends (she knows everything, and i'm not afraid to be myself with her) and I shared my fears.  I told her I scheduled the surgery, I told her I wasn't afraid of the surgery or the outcome. Its a hard thing to explain without sounding like i want sympathy.  But, here it is... It's the time when you arrive home and the house is silent, no one to call out to, no one asking you what you need.  I've been through this before but not completely alone. I'm always the one caring for others but, sometimes I want to be taken care of.  I don't have a mother offering to help, the boys will be well taken care of and happy with their dad.  Cassie was quick to offer to come and be here with me, but i assured her as much as i would love to have her here i could handle this.  This is my battle, this is my life, just another part of my story line.  There is always that fear in my heart, even when my world shakes and I think I can't take another thing, I persevere and come out stronger!  

I Want to be the Difference...

I want to be the Difference... I've been on an emotional roller coaster lately but... and i hesitate to say this because the fear of it going away is great but, my heart is full and i feel completely whole, more complete than I've felt in a long time.  There is a difference... I want to be the difference...

Rise Up

Tonight as my barre workout was coming to an end and we began our cool down, Rise Up by Andra Day came on.  Thankfully it was dark in the room at this point, because the tears started to roll down my face.  October has been especially difficult for me.  Just the ups and downs, emotions.  But some how, I continue to rise up.  I am in a constant state of exhaustion, and maybe this is just the stage i'm in, in my life.  I almost feel stuck like I just keep going round and round.  I love my children more than anything and I love my students, I enjoy everything about it.  I guess i just wish life would slow down a little.  I wish the worries were less, I wish I didn't feel so alone while doing it all.  It's the constant unknown for me.  I rise up like the day, I rise up unafraid, I will continue to rise up in spite of the ache and I'll do it 1000 times again.  One day We'll rise up...and it won't seem as hard.

Modern English

So, the other night I had a new experience with someone I want to have may new experiences with.  He mentioned that he had an interest in going to see one of his favorite bands and of course every song was his favorite.  But, this is something I absolutely love about him! When he has a passion he truly has a passion.  He suggested that i listen to the music before we went.  I googled The Ocean Blue, I listened to a couple songs.  I knew i recognized the sound but had no idea why or who I had heard in the past that sounded similar.  He continued to ask if I knew different bands and of course i said no.  Just a side note, I love music, I love how I can relate to the words at different times in my life.  But, I've never been good at bands names and song titles.  So, this evening i decided to listen to some more music by The Ocean Blue.  That's when I realized, Modern English... I'm sure Modern English was one of the bands he mentioned last night but again, I had no clue.  End of story I had a great time, and I'm glad he decided to share this with me. 

 Another side note...when the two of us go out we meet the most interesting people... more on that another time.

Say You Won't Let Go

Sometimes a song says all the words, and it says them so much better than I ever could!  I've loved this song for awhile now...

XOXO

A Journal by Us...for Us

This is just a guess because i don't know how long it was that i bought the 'Our Love' Journal.  Let me start at the beginning.  The last few years of my marriage felt loveless and lonely.  When the final straw happened and i knew there was no going back i still wanted more for myself and the boys.  WE deserved that.  So at some point during the divorce process i bought a journal titled 'Our Love'  A journal by Us for Us. I guess you could say that i bought the journal to tell myself that one day i would be loved, fully loved. I knew and know my journey to love the second time around will be an adventure with plenty of ups and downs and twists and turns. So, this  journal is a simple guides to spark communication.  Now if you know me, you know i like to write and it's one of the easiest ways i know how to share my feelings.  It takes away the fear of rejection, i don't have to see your reaction on you face.  I know that communication is key in a good sound relationship but this can be extremely difficult at times.  There are so many things that you want to say or share but hold back because of your fear of the other persons reaction.  

As i was cleaning out my office the other day i came across the journal at the bottom of a drawer and completely forgot that it was there.  I opened it and i read a few of the prompts...there were also the following quotes:

~I Fall in Love with you all over again when...
"Being Deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage."   -Lao Tzu
~When it comes to us, sometimes i wonder...
"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind." -William Shakespeare
~I thought about you today and...
"If I had a flower for every time I thought of you... I could walk through my garden forever." -Alfred Tennyson
~One of the nicest things you do...
"No act of Love, however small, is never wasted." -Aesop
~What i Love most about you is...
"Never let a loving thought go unspoken."
~I Love coming home to you because...
"Love comforteth like sunshine after rain." -William Shakespeare
~You make me a better person...
"We are shaped and fashioned by what we love." -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
~I need you because...
"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather loved in spite of ourselves." -Victor Hugo
~Let's talk about...
"Never close your lips to those to whom you have already opened your heart." -Charles Dickens
~Please forgive me...
"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that had crushed it." -Mark Twain

I could keep going but i think you get the idea.  Opening up requires complete trust for me.  I could answer all of those questions easily on paper but it's so much harder in conversation...Be patient with me...It's there...

A LOVE Like Theirs

The past 24 hours have been a crazy wave of emotions.  I've always known little bits and pieces of my grandparents love story but today i got a few more, I'd love to sit my grandmother down and talk endlessly about it.  They met when they were just 14 years old and had a constant and steadfast love and affection for one another.  They were married for 65 years!!!  You don't see love like that anymore. This leads me to one of my favorite verses:

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

I promise you that their love wasn't perfect and they slipped at times but they always persevered!  This morning as we were processing out of the chapel i hugged my grandmother and told her how sorry i was and how much i loved her.  She grabbed my hand and said...We had a great life together, and i want that for you too.  I began to cry.  In a way i always felt like i let her down with the path my family took.  I thought i was a disappointment to her in a way, but when she said that to me i realized that isn't the case.  I don't have 65 years left in me, and i don't want perfection but, i do want a great life!

Known

I'm saddened to share that this Wednesday i'll say goodbye to my Grandpa Moon for last time.  I have this faith inside me that gets me through some pretty hard stuff.  My focus now is on my Grandmother and what her needs might be.  Even during the hard times when we want to push everyone out and want to be alone, our faith in God fully pursues us.  You are fully known and loved!

Thank you to everyone who called and texted to check in on me this weekend.  I'm sorry i haven't returned calls, i needed to mourn this alone so on Wednesday i can be strong.  Below you're more than welcome to check out Grandpa Moons Obituary...short but sweet!

http://www.thayer-rock.com/obituary/william-bill-moon

Grandpa Moon

The past couple week have been challenging to say the least.  I never would have imagined the emotion i would feel and the waves that it has come in.  As many of you know my grandfather is very sick and his final days here with us are upon us.  Also as many of you know family can pose some challenges for me.  After a long conversation with my Uncle "Star" he reminded me just how amazing my boys are and that's because of me, their mother.  Also that i'm pretty great myself.  My family doesn't function like most and has it's own challenges but this is us and i'm going to stay as positive as possible.

As a young child i have memories with my fathers parent, grandma and grandpa Moon.  I can remember visiting their home and wondering through my grandfathers garden, his thumb was green...boy did i NOT inherit that trait.  He had the most incredible garden and was he proud of it!  I can also remember being very small, small enough to fit beneath the bar stool and pretending like i was driving a car (I know silly memory)  Then there was the basement.  There was every toy you could think of down there.  Mostly my dad and his siblings old toys but they were all new to us.  Then if we were lucky my grandpa would pull out this car that we could actually drive around.  i don't even know how to describe it but i sure can picture it in my head.  My sister and i would fight over that thing endlessly.  Then when we moved to California my grandparents always sent a huge boy full of Christmas gifts.  I remember being told we couldn't open them until Christmas... that was so hard!

This summer the boys and i spent some time in Michigan, i am so thankful that we were able to spend some of that time with my grandparents.  I'm so glad that my boys got to see my grandpa smile and happy.  We all walked down to the park so the boys could play the same park (it had changed equipment 4 times) i played at as a child.  We sat in the shade and caught up on everything you can think of.  Then before we left i took the boys into the backyard i used to play in and even showed the boys where my grandpas garden once was.  He told the boys about all the things he used to grow, very proud of himself.  

Grandpa Moon you were a great son, husband, father, grandfather and great grandfather.  You worked endlessly for your family and served the Lord.  I am proud to be your granddaughter and feel blessed to call you mine.  I have cried my last tear for the night but I know there are plenty more to come over the next few days. I'll always have a special place in my heart for you Grandpa. 

Here are a few photos from our visit this summer!

You Say I am Loved

Today as i stood in the kitchen busy preparing dinner, sorting through a stack of school papers, helping with math problems and assisting with a reading assignment the song You Say by Lauren Daigle came on.  I had to fight the tears in that very moment but as soon as i finished with i was doing i came into my office and just broke down crying.  Its been building for about a week now.

Last Monday when i came out from barre class i had a few missed calls and a text from my sister asking me to call her.  Now my sister and i don't call each other during the work day unless its something important.  I knew this had to be.  I picked up the phone and called her immediately.  It was about my grandpa; My dads dad.  She gave me the few details she had which wasn't much.  We couldn't call our dad and ask him was was going on because he doesn't regularly speak to his parents.  I decided to reach out to his younger brother.  I got a little more information but still no real answers.  Fast forward a week my grandfather had a procedure on Tuesday(i couldn't understand how or why this was a good idea or what it's purpose was) and yesterday the result was not exactly progress but yet the biggest set back and heartbreaking reality.   

This has just really had my mind racing... A month or so ago i reached out to my mother, i asked simply why don't you make more of an effort to be a part of the boys and my life.  She never responded.  Nothing.  How is this family so dysfunctional??? Why can't we come together?  Sometimes i feel like it's me... but when i look at the bigger picture i know it's not.  I have great relationships with my siblings and extended family.  There is just that disconnect between my parents and i.  But... That doesn't make the rejection feel any less.  Every person who has promised to love me forever and be by my side has walked away.  I think about the love i have for my boys and i can't imagine walking away from them or making them feel small.  Maybe i over compensate and smother them with words and physical affection because i don't want them to ever wonder.

During times like this i shouldn't feel so alone, i should have those people in place.  i am a very strong independent person but that has come with time but that doesn't mean that sometimes i cant want the comfort of others and to feel like i am enough.  Those voices come during the hard emotional days.  In you i give my faith.

Boys...I Will Love You For a Thousand Years!

My Boys...

I feel beyond blessed to be mom to these three incredible boys.  They challenge me on a daily basis to be a better, mom, friend, teacher, sister and the list goes on.  We have our moments of continuous laughter, uncontrollable tears, joys and fears.  I often question my ability to do it all.  Am i giving them enough, do i tell them i love them enough. But, i could never give up on striving for more, especially for them!

One of the most painful things i deal with and i can't seem to make go away is my relationship with my parents or lack there of.  When i'm emotional i feel sad and want to find blame on myself but when i'm rational i know that this is something completely out of my control.  I've reached out I've asked but the constant rejection gets old. This often bleeds into other areas of my life.  My goal is to never let my children question where they stand in my life nor question my love for them.

These three boys know how to make more noise, big messes and bring me to my knees but, i wouldn't have it any other way.  I was recently asked if i wanted a daughter...  If i'm honest i would have loved to have a daughter.  Big bows, little dresses, all things girl.  I would have loved to create the mother daughter relationship i never had but watched so many of my friends live.  I have a fear that my boys will all grow older and marry but gravitate toward their wives family.  They usually say girls always go home.  That leaves me in a pretty funny situation.  But, still i wouldn't have it any other way.  I love my boys and know all things dirty, rough and tumble.  Look at these smiles, and the way they look at me.  I'm their mom and the first person they want when they're sad or hurt.  

Be Brave

Tomorrow is a new day, a new start, it may be a hard morning for many.  Be brave mommies, we promise you that as you hand your children to us and trust us, we will not disappoint you.  We don't know them like you know them but, we are quick learners, patient and can't wait to see those tiny smiles as they develop new friendships and learn something new.  

As a mommy myself and very guilty of sitting in the parking lot just waiting to pick my sweet baby up from PDO i know the feeling.  You want nothing more than for them to develop independence and grow into the little person you know they're becoming. But, at the same time your heart breaks as they walk away from you and you worry... will they be okay?  will they miss me? what if he won't stop crying? They WILL be okay, they WILL miss you and they WILL stop crying.  That's the beautiful thing about children.  It's okay to think and feel this way. Try to allow yourself the time and know that when you return the smile on their face couldn't be greater. The stories they share will be sure to bring a smile to your face.  Thank you for trusting us and sharing your precious and tiny love with us.  Be BRAVE, they are!

Tomorrow is the start of a beautiful year, one tiny smile at a time!

Barre3

Back at the end of May i decided to try a new Barre studio that was closer to home and came highly recommended.  After my first class i decided to make the change.  I absolutely love the environment and the intensity that each class brings.  Each of the instructors are great and continue to push me to new levels.  During the summer the studio invited us to all participate in a 'summer challenge'  I was unsure about the commitment i would be able to make to the challenge with all the crazy that summer brings.  I decided to attend as many 5:30am classes that my schedule would allow.  The challenge ended a couple weeks ago and i was super surprised when i received an email that i was number 10 out of 219 participants.  Normally i'd like to be #1 but given my busy life with 3 busy boys that wasn't realistic.  Barre has helped me in so many ways.  It has made me physically, mentally and emotionally stronger.  It's something i do for ME and only me 3-5 times a week.  I've had a lot of people ask a lot of questions about my new found love for barre3. 

I recently came across an article about men and barre.  Occasionally i see a man in class and one of our instructors is a man but its not usually a mens workout.  I was in a rush when i saw the article and made it a point to screen shot it so i would remember to go back and read it. 

The article can be found in Men'sHealth... If you're interested here is a link to the article to read for yourself.  Men'sHealth

Boys... I want YOU to have it ALL

On the Night before you Start 1st, 3rd and 5th grade, just know my little loves that i want you to have it ALL.  May the best of your today be the worst of your tomorrows...believe it and anything can happen.  You ARE Amazing!!! I'll be sad without you tomorrow but here is to you always making me laugh! Mommy LOVES you to the moon and back (and even down the choo choo track)

She's Taken

I'm asked the question every now and then so i'm going to answer it for everyone.  Yes, I'm currently in a relationship.  I haven't been on a first date in over a year now and have been in that relationship for most of that year.  I've also been asked if he's Mr. Right...honestly i don't know.  You never really know for sure until there is that final commitment.  But, what i do know is that he is an incredible man that i defiantly want to get to know even better and spend more time with.  I see us working very well together and share a lot in common.  Dating as a mother is different and at any given time your children take priority.  Thats one of the many things i love most about GC his commitment to his children.  I truly believe that if two people can make it work with children involved than together anything is possible.  We know and understand the balance of US time, kid time as well as juggling work and kid activities.  Sometimes it's hard to find that US time and we go more days in between seeing one another than i like but this is the life we now live.  

I still want more than anything that lifetime committed partner that will not only love me unconditionally but be there as a helper and shoulder to lean on.  Lets be honest, i can handle just about anything thrown my way but there are times when i just want someone to tell me everything is going to be okay, hold my hand and kiss my forehead.  I think i have a lot to offer a partner and would be an incredible support to someones life, whatever that looks like.  

So, Yes my friends i'm HAPPILY taken!

Preschool...

I Just Couldn't Help Myself...

July 29th a Day of Independence

I received the following text from one of my amazing friends...She said she had been thinking of me and wanted to share...

I know the anniversary of that awful day is just that...awful.  You have lived through it and grown exponentially since then.  Without dwelling on the violence (physically and mentally) maybe you can make this day a day of freedom.  It was the last straw and an awful one at that...but it was also a catalyst.  You were done and it gave you the courage and power to move on! Try to think of it as a positive anniversary if you are able.  The day your life changed for the better.  I know being single you still have many challenges and days that you want to give in and give up but i promise you you are better off now than if you'd stayed in that relationship one day longer than you did! So i say July 29th is Independence Day for you!  A day to celebrate...not to mourn.  Don't waste another day of your time and energy thinking of it in any other way than freedom!  If you do dwell you are just giving him the power over you.  He doesn't deserve that power and most importantly you don't deserve his unsolicited "power"  Holy hell i think i just wrote your next blog.  

Yes, my beautiful friend you most certainly did.  I couldn't have said it better myself.  This day can't and won't take hold of me anymore, it'd freedom day!  A cocktail or two is most certainly in order.

She ended with: It's true darlin! You be you...you got this! I love you!!!

Sky High

Let me start by saying that in MY life there is never a dull moment.  During our morning swim practice (After tomorrow we're done) i looked at another mom and said i have to get these kids out of the house.  The weather wasn't looking good so we needed to find something indoors.  The Naperville library has a summer reading program and every time the kiddos hit the next level they get to chose a prize. A few weeks ago our friends Jack and Julia told us that they choose Sky High passes and that we should to.  Today seemed like the perfect day to use them.
We made a plan gathered our grippy socks and we were on our way.  We of the kiddos had a pass for a 1 free hour of jump.  We were told that our grippy socks wouldn't work and that we had to have Sky High's official socks.  Then the women told me that we could turn our socks over for their socks.  We decided this would be best, then i watched her toss ours into the garbage... Seriously lady! We decided that we would add more time depending on how they felt after an hour.  Each child received a red bracelet and they were off and running.  Us moms decided that we needed to find a seat and get comfortable for the next hour.  And there out of no where was an empty couch.  We sat down, this couch was much lower to the ground than i first expected.  We started to chat and catch up.  Roughly 30 minutes in i asked, hey do you know what time we got here and what time our hour is up.  Mitzi said i don't really know.  I called Micah over and asked him to go ask the lady who worked there.  She said our bracelets were good until 4.  Did i mention that we arrived about 1:30, so this couldn't be right.  We then called another child over and told them to go ask another person.  They also said 4, something had to be wrong.  Then there was Noah.  He was the one that was going to get the answer we needed.  I told him to ask the guy in the shorts and not the guy in the pants (we had already asked him)  So, Noah found the first guy in shorts (looked like a 12 year old boy who clearly didn't work there) and asked him, Noah came back and said he doesn't know.  I then clarified and Noah again was on his way.  This time he came back with the current time.  By this time we were so confused.  I decided i would get up from the comfortable couch and ask at the front desk.  Again i was told that we could jump until 4.  How could this be.  We decided that we would get comfortable and let them jump until they couldn't anymore.
Now, there were a few complaints about the socks and how the other ones were better and we did get in trouble a few times for standing on the red zone, but all in all i'd call it a win.  We essentially jumped for over 2 hours and got all of our energy out.  I do have a recording of a review of Sky High by none other than Jack but i'll save that for later.  Thanks for a fun day Boys and Girl...

This is the best picture i could get... They were all a bit tired.

Fear You DON'T Own ME

Fear You DON'T Own ME!  Many of you know that July is a hard month for me.  My life completely changed in a matter of minutes on a late July night almost 5 years ago.  Honestly i can't believe the growth and change that have come in that 5 year.  Fears definition is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.  The fear i have felt over the last 36 years is one that's very difficult to describe.  It can and has kept me from doing so many things.  I'm comfortable in my own skin.  Unlike the past where i felt the constant fear of not being enough, being told i'd never be enough and then the realization i wasn't enough.  But, that's on them...I was and am enough.  I'm saying (or trying really hard) Goodbye to fear. I'm done, i'm over it.  I Know who i am, i'm strong and free.  I've taken it all on and been very successful.  I'm not going to hold back, i can have it all and i do deserve that.  I will stumble that's without doubt but i will have it all,  Fear there is no room for you in this story, i don't have time for you telling me what i'm not, i know who i am and i'm Strong and Free and have my own Identity...

No, Fear here

2nd Time in 2 Weeks

This is the 2nd time in 2 weeks that the boys and i have to say goodbye to some very close friends.  This time it's Josiah's best friend and his family.  This family came into our lives just a few years ago. It was just as our lives were changing, they were willing to put in the time and energy to earn the trust of my boys.  

We quickly set up a regular routine having evening play dates every Friday that included creativity and pizza.  And on those Saturdays when i'd wake to a quiet house Sahana was always sure to invite me along for morning errands.  We'd wonder Target for hours and come home with things that we never knew we needed. We'd buy in bulk and hope our boys would eat it all.

It's hard for some people to understand but i created this safe place for my boys and i.  We could just be ourselves.  And this month we have lost 2 of those places.  Someone recently said to me that this opens a spot for new to come in.  I want new but i'm terrified.  Letting someone new in is scary because that means letting them see me at my weakest and knowing my vulnerabilities.  

My boys are incredible but they've been through a lot and just like their mother they have some trust issues and never really knows what someones true intentions are.  We put up walls and even pull back in moments of fear.  I have to keep reminding myself that God is just preparing us for great things.  There is a plan and the best is yet to come.  These families have come into our lives leaving a lasting impression on our hearts.

Next week we'll spend the week with my sister and her family in Michigan, another safe place.  The distraction will be welcomed and full of family fun.

June 24, 2017

A year ago today i had woken to a quiet home, no children calling my name, no place to be.  The boys were with their dad. I clearly remember i was in a mood and not a great one.  I had been trying to date for about a year at that point.  Yes, i had my fear share of 1st dates.  I decided as i laid in bed that i needed an ego boost (Online dating will do that for you within minutes) I began swiping left, left, left rarely every a right.  I put the phone down and felt completely defeated.  (Now, a little background on my dating style, match with someone chat for a few days maybe weeks and then decide is this someone i actually wanted to give my time to.)  Not long after putting my phone down i had a few matches, i looked over them again and questioned what i was thinking.  Then i came to my last match.  I decided to send him a message. (This dating app Ladies go first)  I was kind of a brat and would usually not say more than Hi.  I don't really remember what i said to him.  But, i remember he responded and pretty quickly.  I also remember him suggesting that maybe we should meet for a drink that evening if he could find the time.  (Now i'll be honest... If you can find the time!?!?) I was attracted to what little i knew about him, I found him to be handsome and straight forward...i was attracted to the idea of him having children. I then said something along the lines to... IF you find the time what time are you thinking. (I didn't tell him this but i needed to get my butt out of bed and shower)

He then suggested that we meet in the middle. I had never heard of where he lived so i had no clue where the middle would be.  I told him to tell me when and where and i would be there.  I believe it was later in the evening when we were to meet maybe 7pm.  I hate to be late and prefer to always arrive first that way i can choose my seat and get comfortable... He can find me, i don't have to find him.  He had chosen the Cellar Door, i left with plenty of time to arrive a little early.  But... When i arrived to downtown there was a festival going on and parking was a nightmare.  I drove around for awhile finally finding parking in the garage.  I was a little flustered because now i was 5 minutes or so late.  As soon as i walked in the door i saw him sitting there at the bar.  i knew instantly it was him.  I sat down to his left and we began to chat.  I don't remember if i had one or 2 drinks (he'll swear i only had one) He was even more handsome than i expected and easy to talk to.  But, He made me nervous .  I'm not sure if he could tell but i remember him placing his hand on my leg which help remove some of my tension.  Conversation was easy and i thought he was enjoying himself too.

His daughter was leaving for camp the next morning so it was an early evening.  He walked me to my car and i gave him a hug thanking him for the evening.  He'll never let me live it down because he says it was the worst hug ever.  My response is a simple one, i don't just go getting cozy with everyone (He was lucky he even got a BAD hug).  I'm actually very slow to warm up to letting someone in my personal space.  I was leaving the next weekend for Michigan with my boys.  He was leaving with his kids a little after us also headed to Michigan.  I texted him a few times over the next few weeks he always responded but never really seemed interested.  I decided i wasn't up for the chase and maybe it just wasn't a good fit.

6 Weeks and 6 days later i sent him a text.  I clearly thought about him often and decided to bury my ego and see how he was doing.  I asked him how he was and what he was up to... Again he didn't seem interested.  I went ahead and made other plans that evening.  He then texted me and said what are you doing tonight.  I said... Well, if you had asked me 15 minutes ago nothing.  He then quickly asked if i was free the next night.  (That was a risky move on my part)  I clearly was available... i didn't have much going on.  The story continues but i'll leave it there...

I am so thankful that a year i decided to walk into the wine bar, get out of my funk and take a chance.  I don't know where this journey will leave me or us.  Dating as an adult and dating as a parent is completely different and like nothing you've ever experienced unless you've done it.  i'm not saying it's better or worse it's a juggling act.  Finding time for each other and still being the best parents that you can be is hard but i'm told its worth it in the end.  A happier you makes for happier kids (This maybe very hard for them to understand right now) But right after my divorce someone said to me... The more people who can love your children the better.  This relationship has taught me so much about myself and me and a mother.  It sounds crazy but it's pushed me to be a better mom.  When you watch someone you care deeply about give their everything to their children you can't help but want to do the same. 

Harder than I Thought

I've started this post more times than you'd believe and it's always turned into tears and i can't continue.  So be warned that this is going to be no different than my others post...unedited, unfiltered and a mess...

I'm sitting on my couch on this Friday night with a cupcake 1/2 eaten (my other bestie brought that by when i started to cry on the phone earlier because she's leaving me next... and yes, i worked out today so i can eat it ALL) some Whitney Houston on and the tears are already welling.  It all started a few months ago...

I was on facebook and saw a random post by none other than Cassie on the local Naperville page.  She was asking about places to live in South Carolina.  I saw it and thought very little of it, another friend asked me if Cassie was moving.  I said, Nah she's just having one of her crazy ideas and it will blow over.  Well, it hasn't blown over and shes leaving a week from today.  I'm not ready for her to go.

Our friendship started over 9 years ago when we first met at MY GYM a gym class for the kids.  I was a new mom and still trying to figure things out.  She approached Micah and i.  We made small talk.  I then heard her mention a program her Charlie was starting in the fall and i quickly inquired (I was a first time mom with no help and NEVER got a free moment)  If there was somewhere i could drop my child off for a few hours once a week i needed to know more (Side note: Once i finally signed him up i sat in the parking lot waiting and counting the minutes until i could go in and pick him up... Go figure)  Then months later after i finally decided it was okay to sign my sweet boy up...There i was in line to get Micah.  There in front of me was Cassie.  We quickly put the pieces together and realized how we knew one another.  Micah and Charlie were instant friends, they had similar interest and were always together.  Now if you know Charlie then you know that he looks very similar my boys and essentially could be mine. (Another Side Note: I LOVE that boys as if he was my own) Cassie may have even joked once asking... Where my husband was 9 months before Charlie was born and wondered if he possibly fathered a baby that was later given up for adoption.  (Funny, but not funny if you knew my story...i laughed it off because he really does look like my boys) 

I quickly realized that i wanted Cassie in my life.  She made it very clear that she didn't want anymore friends saying "Look Sister, i already have enough friends i don't want anymore"  Me: Fair enough i accept the challenge. And if you know me, you know i worked my way into her heart.  She became one of my closest Friends.  I shared everything with her, she saw me though some of my darkest moments never missing a beat loving me all along the way. She shared in my joys.  I owe her all the thank yous in the world for helping me become who i am today.  She has helped mold me into the confident, outgoing, positive woman i am today.  Without her i don't know where i would be.  She has pushed me to new limits, and encouraged me that i can have it all, i can make it all a reality.  But, i'm not there yet, i'm not ready for her to go.  She's been my safety net in a way, my first phone call, whether it was about telling Micah how babies are born, or having 7 skunks living under my stoop or even more serious conversations.  She has wiped my tears and mended my bruises. She's given me a place to celebrate the holidays when i'm alone...She has been steadfast and constant,  I'm not ready Cass, i'm not ready!!!

When you look at my whole story you know that i'm used to people leaving me.  And, i know she's not leaving me but, i'm not ready to have her that far.  

Cassie Beets Clark, you are one of a kind and my heart is broken that you're going so far away.  I'm secretly praying you hate it and return soon.  Your family has become my family.  This Sunday evening Cassie and i will take our places in Sullivans and toast one last time for now.  I just hope i don't cry the ugly cry in public.  I Love You Cassie, Jeff and Charlie (Zach and Connor too)

A side note... This maybe one of my last posts before i close up shop on Simply Me.  It maybe time to close this chapter of my life.  

It Takes a Village

Motherhood is one full of unexpected adventures and a lot of love.  I Love my boys and am so grateful for so many of the women in my life that have helped me along the way.  The boys and i decided that today we would make a "Mommy Mix" and share it with some of those women.  Happy Mothers Day!

Mothers Day...

Yesterday after school Micah had an orthodontist appointment.  I loaded all 3 boys into the car and we were on our way.  This was right after school which can sometimes be a challenging time... the boys have sat all day in school just rode a hot bus home and are hungry.  We were a few minutes early so the boys started to be a bit silly in a very full waiting room.  I just had to breath because this would pass and we'd be on our way soon.  Micah was called back and the other two settled in.  Within 20 minutes Micah was back in the waiting room and i was needed.  We went to the counter to make his next appointment.  There sitting on the counter was a contest for the kids to enter, what did they have to do?  They had to write 'Why My Mother is the best Mother in the World"  I joked with Micah, i bet you want to enter that.  He gave me that look he gives me when he's thinking, really mom!?!?  The girl behind the counter grabbed him a sheet and an envelope with a stamp on it and told him to take it and return it by Friday.  

Tonight after dinner i saw it sitting on the counter, i was cleaning up and asked if he wanted me to save it.  Again, he gave me that look.  He walked over and took it out of my hand.  (Just a side note, if you know anything about my relationship with Micah its be a challenge since the divorce.  He has a lot of anger and it's usually directed at me.  Over the last 8 months or so he's come a long way and has changed into a completely different child.  He is an incredible boy but is still has times of trying to figure out how to handle his feelings about what happened to his family.  I'll never say a negative word about his father to him so for now i'll continue to take the brunt when these feelings arise.  This can be really hard and very painful at times.  I love my children endlessly and would do anything to make them feel loved and complete.  Sometimes i question myself and fear i'm not doing enough or doing it wrong.  I'll never be able to give the boys what was taken from them, but i can love them and give them as much of myself as possible.  I truly believe that my happiness is important for their happiness.  All i can do is love them endlessly and pray that it all works itself out.)  Micah went into the other room and returned 10 minutes later with a folded piece of paper and was shoving it into an envelope.  I asked if i could help.  He asked if i could lick the envelope because he doesn't like that part.  I said, sure and told him to leave it on the counter.  Now, i can't tell a fib because i was dying to know what what in the letter.  What did he say? So when he went to take a shower i opened the envelope, quickly made a copy and replaced the original letter and sealed it up.  The paper provided only had 10 lines so it had to be short and sweet (My child added two lines)  I read the following:

Well I do not need to brag but i have the best mom ever.  My mom is the PTA president, a teacher, and still finds time to spend with me and my brothers.  My mom is also the best cook ever.  My mom always has a way to solve the most impossible problems.  Even though I may not act like it I will always love my mom.

Call me a softy but, i burst into tears.  I am doing something right, my child does love me.  This isn't how i saw my life but it is my life and together we're going to make the best of it.  And... as the Boys and i pray every night asking for the journey before us to be the one of God's planned for us.  Asking for our hearts to be opened and for those that might be on the journey with us to also have open and softened hearts.  Mothers day is different now.  No, flowers are sent, no cards are written but this tiny note makes up for it all.  We CAN do this...Yes, we can!

Whats in a Nickname...how are WE labeled

What's in a Name???  We all have one and most of us have multiple nicknames.  I can think of at least 3 childhood nicknames for myself.  We all have them, if we want to share them with others thats another story.  From an early age we are tagged with these names.  Still my grandmother calls me Bethers... Oh, then you have my Grampy, He called every women in his life Babe.  He would shout out BABE and everyone would turn around. 

Then we have labels.  These labels sometimes make me cringe.  The other day at lunch with some of the other teachers at school we were talking and they used the word boyfriend.  There's just something strange about being my age and referring to a grown man at my boyfriend.  First he's not a boy and he's not just a friend.  So then the question is... what do i call him?  So we all sat around coming up with alternatives.  I spare you the details but know that we came up with some really interesting options.  But, we decided maybe i should just come out and ask him what he wants to be called.   

I often joke that when someone calls me MB or wants to only use Mary OR Beth that... My mother gave me two beautiful names, use them both.  You don't hear my name often and there are a lot of ways to shorten it but i prefer Mary Beth.  I've heard the story told a few different way about how i ended up with the name Mary Beth.  However my parents came up with it, i'm glad they did.  It's different and unique, just life me!

Tomorrow is my big sister's birthday and she'd kill me if i shared her childhood nickname so for now i'll keep it to myself but, i will take one for the team and share a special photo of she and i from the early years. (Yes, i'm the scary baby) I've come a long ways!!!  

Happy Birthday Michelle!!! 

Cards

Today started with me making a list of all the things I needed to get done by the end of the day.  (Blogging was not on that list but I felt the need to take the break) I needed to fill out all the registration forms for the boys next school year, follow up on some PTA stuff, grocery shop, work on party details (The party is less than a week away) pay bills, make copies of some documents, go for a run maybe even a bike ride and last but not least  purchase CARDS.

A little fact about me is that I LOVE mail, I love receiving a card in the mail or the thought of the joy someone else may feel receiving a card from me.  May is a very busy month with Mothers Day and LOTS of Birthdays (Just another plug for mine)  

Some cards are easy to pick out and you find them quickly without any work.  Others are not as easy.  I might like what part of one card says and then like part of another.  I might want to take my sharpie and cross out certain words or phrases all together.  For example mothers day cards can be tricky for me.  On the other hand i quickly picked out my sisters Birthday and Mothers day cards without any trouble at all.  She's easy, she won't over think the words and know its coming from a place of love.  Then you have that Birthday relationship card.  Oh Lord help me!  Where is the I really like you, I really like how this feels, I look forward to where this is headed but NO, these cards profess undying love, and beg for marriage.  I'm not heartless, I have these feelings i just don't think throwing them at someone in a card is really the way to do it. Opening these types of cards made me feel anxiety. Needless to say I still have some card shopping to do. So, on that thought don't be surprised if the next time you open a card from me you see sharpie all over it!!!

Meghan Trainor - No Excuses

Nope...NONE

MB 2.0

It's been one of those weekends.  Pure exhaustion weekends.  Josiah is in the full swing of baseball and is a natural in my opinion.  Saturday was practice and Sunday was an extra baseball clinic.  I love that my sweet middle little loves the game and has the passion in his heart.  I've also had a few new developments that have left me feeling overwhelmed and emotional.  As i sit and watch my middle practice his heart out i'm fighting back the tears from being exhausted.  Things were not intended to be like this.  It was meant to be a team effort not me running the boys around from activity to birthday party on to make them practice for their math, spelling or whatever else need they have.  I run ragged after my boys.  (i did manage to fit in a barre class this morning only to get my but kicked, that couldn't have helped... ha)  I live for my boys, I work for them just to hopefully make their lives better and maybe a bit easier/happier.  I have no fall back, I am their fall back.

Somehow I manage to make it all work and juggle it all.  But, sometimes I hit the wall.  I know I can have it all and I have to do whats best for me but some days i just want something to give.  Maybe i don't want it all if its this hard, is it all going to be worth it???  I guess its just been one of those wall hitting weekends.  One of those weekends when i'm so exhausted that I just want to put the boys to bed so i can get in the shower and cry.  Cry it all out, cry the exhaustion from my body and then start fresh tomorrow with a smile on my face.  

I love everything about my life, don't get me wrong i'm blessed beyond blessed.  But, some days that mountain seems to big to climb.  The hardest part about being alone is just not having someone to turn to.  Just to hear those simple words, don't worry its all going to be okay.  I don't want anyone to solve my problems just to reassure me that no matter what it will all be okay.  After chatting with a good friend she said those words I needed to hear.  She said MB you've climbed some pretty big mountains and ever overcome things most people haven't, you've got this.  You may not have done this before but you can,  Think of it as MB 2.0
I've also started reading a new book which i think is making me a tad emotional.  I won't be reading it before bed tonight.  But, instead I'll watch some ridiculous reality tv.

Pure Barre

This past week I started my new workout routine.  I've been running for way to many years (With the add of weights and a workout video)  I decided it was time to try something new.  And...what better time than right before summer and swimsuit season.  On Monday I attended my first pure barre class, it was intense and pushed me to a new level.  The pain I felt the next two days only got me excited about my return on Friday. Their concept is simple utilize the ballet barre to perform small isometric movements.  Most people freak out when they feel their muscles start to shake but, this actually means that your muscles are reaching the point of fatigue, which is actually a good thing! The plan is to continue to run daily with the add of pure barre 2-3 times a week.  Summer is just around the corner with just 7 weeks of school left for myself and the boys.  Bring on the sun, pool and bikinis...

Juggling it ALL

The last few months have been a time that has included a lot of juggling.  It's been about thinking and planning ahead for even the little things.  It's also been a time to prove to myself that i can do it all and HAVE it all.  I've always been a mama that relied heavily on a schedule and routine.  I've had to alter that schedule and deviate from the usual plan.  But, if i'm honest so much of my life hasn't played out how i thought it would so whats the point of that meticulous plan?

Returning to work i was terrified how i'd do it all.  I quickly proved to myself that it wasn't as big of a challenge as i thought it would be.  Those first few weeks i was exhausted, and couldn't sit down when i got home because i would have never gotten back up.  I always knew that when Noah went to school full-time i would return to work.  I didn't know if i'd be in the classroom or if i'd decide to do something else.  Children have always been my passion, they're easy to be around, loving and little sponges. You can't fully explain the feeling when you see one of your students outside of school and their eyes light up at the sight of you.  They shout your name, then they'll do one of two things... be shy (shocked you actually leave the building) or run right up to you and throw their arms around you. Returning to work has been and amazing experience.

The boys have always been my main juggling act, they take center stage going in three different directions.  Watching them grow over the last year I've seen so many changes.  Micah  has grown physically taller, wiser and has an understanding that wasn't there before.  He doesn't seem to challenge everything i say anymore (I'm sure this will return, he is only a kid after all)  I think he is finally settling in and happy again.  He is an exceptional student and constantly wanting to learn more.  His next hurtle will come this summer when his best friend moves away.  I feel so helpless with this situation trying to find as many opportunities for the boys to hang out not knowing what else to do.  Char has been Micah's rock or safe place for so long.  Josiah is constantly on the move and needs to be reminded to slow down some days.  He's super social and friends with everyone with the biggest heart.  I've only seen this grow with Age.  He's constantly curious and asking questions about why and how? You can always find him with a soccer ball at his feet and ready for a challenge.  In a week baseball starts and he couldn't be more excited.  This will be our main focus (With a 8th Birthday in there) until swimming starts at the end of May.  And last but certainly not lease...Noah.  Words don't describe this tiny ball of energy.  He's silly oh so silly, your typical youngest child.  He fits everywhere and is sure to keep you on your toes.  More recently he has become a little artist, his 3D art is a sight to be seen.  He's happiest when hes 'trying' to keep up with his big brothers.  

My personal and social life has been significantly more important to me recently.  When you find someone worth spending or making that extra time for it's that much better.  Before i wasn't willing to budge but I've realized that my happiness is important too.  A happier mom makes for a better mom and as much as my children come first i'm important too. I've actually found that taking time out for me and allowing myself to be happy has made them happier.  I'm able to see things differently now.  Watching someone parent from afar on the other side has opened my eyes in a way i didn't know before, it's a feeling that sparks so many emotions.  

I've experienced a few challenges with PTA and remind myself daily that this is a volunteer position and my best is enough.  We're all working toward the same goal and that's for our students, teachers and parents to be as successful as possible.

And what I've learned about myself is that I am enough.  For so long I worried about if I'd ever be enough?  I may not have a huge title or get it right the first time but...I always figure it out. I may even drop that ball a time or two but i'm quick to pick it back up and start again.  My heart and intentions are always in the right place.  I can juggle it all!!!

Recent Challenge

Recently and when I say recently I actually mean 6 months or so ago I was challenged by a friend to just write whatever comes to mind for 15 minutes. Set the timer and GO.  I shouldn't stop and think or filter what I'm saying because I might say too much or say to little.  I've thought about this a lot and thought about all the things I might say and then I fear being exposed or becoming vulnerable.  Believe it or not being vulnerable is very scary for me (even thought I'm a pretty open person) it opens me up for hurt.  Usually when I blog I have a topic in mind and just write without rereading or thinking about it but I stick to a topic.  I never just let my mind wondered to other things.  I think I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea.  Because the reality is that whatever I say can't scare someone off that doesn't want to be scared off, right?  So, wait for it, but believe I wont be advertising this blog post on social media you'll have to check back for it.  I'm not sure I'm ready for it to be my most read post!!!! Maybe YOU would consider taking the challenge too? Happy Monday

Success Story

17 years ago today i put on white and made a promise that i'd forever love.  I kept that promise until it shattered my life into so many pieces that no matter what i tried i couldn't put them back together.  And today i wouldn't ever want to put them back together because the person i am today is stronger and more confident.  At first my story may sound dramatic and one of a weak women but the strength i have found in it is incredible.  I know my worth and what i deserve and i'm not going to stop until i get it.  And i'm going to continue to tell every women (and every man that will listen) they deserve nothing but amazing things. 

I maybe guarded at first because of my past and fearful to let you in because of my hurt, i may even give weak hugs or refuse to look you in the eye until i'm certain,  But, when i'm certain i'll let you in and never turn my back on you.

Last night over a couple bottles of wine i sat in my kitchen with two other women.  We all have a different story but all have younger children that we love immensely in common.  We started by chatting about our children and the challenges we face as mothers especially here in the Naperville area.  The one woman asked me about my divorce and what led to it.  I openly shared my story but also told her that, that story has made me the woman i am now.  I am stronger and better for it, and i'd even live it all again.  I then explained that even after being told that no one would ever want me because i was used up and nothing but a mother of 3, that that's not true.  We all have a story and we all have insecurities but it's what we do with those insecurities.  Don't let anyone determine your worth. 

I don't know what my end story is going to look like.  I don't know when it's going to be written but what i do know is that the stories not over yet and the best chapters are yet to come.  I don't know who the characters will be besides my boys and i but, i know we'll be there and i'll do everything i can to make it amazing.

I received a text this morning that said, thank you for your hospitality, your success story needed to be heard.  At first i wouldn't call it a success story but the more i think about it, it is my own success story one of confidence, bravery and love for myself.

Friends on the RUN

So, it's simple... I can't take another friend telling me that they're thinking of moving.  These are the women who have held me up and walked me through some very hard times.  Let me start at the beginning. 
I have an incredible group of women in my life.  Some are pre kid friends, some are teacher friends, and some are mommy friends.  These women have walked with me through my journey over the last 15+ years.  They've become my family (since i have none here)  Each of them are beautiful and unique in their own ways.  And a few of them are trying to get away.
One of my biggest cheerleaders has been my bestie Cassie.  She and i met about 9 years or so ago when my oldest and her youngest went to My Gym together.  I was a new mommy and had no idea what i was doing (i swore i'd be a 'perfect' mom and do everything right) I decided to sign Micah up for a gym class so i could meet some other moms.  Instantly Charlie, Cassies son caught my eye. He was fearless, my Micah was much more timid.  I can't remember if Cassie or Charlie approached us but we started chatting.  I later heard her talking about a pre school or a PDO program that she was sending Charlie to in the fall.  I quickly chimed in and asked about the school.  Fast forward to the fall (i found that school and signed Micah up for one day a week) there Cassie was waiting in line to pick Charlie up.  We started to chat, let me just make a disclaimer CASSIE DIDN'T WANT TO BE MY FRIEND.  She even told me this to my face.  But, with my charm and personality she couldn't resist and we quickly became friends.  I owe her so much for the woman and mother that i am today.  She pushed me outside my comfort zone and encouraged me to be me and not to care what others thought.  Without her i wouldn't be full of that fun spunk that so many love.  She has been cheering me on and encouraging me from the beginning and held my hand when it felt like i didnt know how i'd get through.  Charlie and Micah have become incredible friends as well and when they're together it's like no time has passed.  Charlie has become a 4th son to me and i love having him around.  A couple weeks ago i saw a post on facebook that she posted about the Carolina's  (now, if you know Cass this is normal and i thought nothing of it) Then while i was driving Charlie home from a play date he dropped the bomb on me.  When i arrived at their house i asked Jeff, are you moving?  He kind of laughter and said, maybe.  Wait, WHAT?  Why are you doing this, Why are you leaving me.  I texted Cass and she said the same.  To be honest i thought this idea would fade away and we'd live happily ever after as friends in ILLINOIS.  Well, this weekend they are headed out of town to 'check' things out.  Seriously!  Not only will i be broken hearted but so will Micah.
Second, we have Sahana.  It's already confirmed that they're moving and leaving us behind.  We've only been friends for the last 2+ years.  It was a quick friendship.  My middle and her only were both in kindergarten together and became friends fast.  We have a weekly standing play date that all the boys look forward to.  Sahana has been a great source of encouragement and consistency for me and my boys.  She has worked so hard to create a special bond with my oldest.  He can sometimes be very unsure of new people and of their intentions and is a bit standoffish.  He really enjoys her company and considers her a friend too.  There family has been a safe zone for all of us.  Even when the boys are with their dad i spend a lot of time with them.  Sahana and i often run errands together on Saturday mornings.  Things just wont be the same once they move to the Bay area. 
Then today, another one of my friends told me she's considering a big move (the details aren't out yet so i'll keep what i know to myself) But, her family has also become my family. 
These will all be great places to vacation and get away with the boys but i want these women a car ride away not a flight away.  I know that i'm being selfish and want what i want... but ultimately i want whats best for their families
I guess if i had it my way i'd move too.  But, that's not an option for me anytime soon so i'll just have to continue to build family through friends.