Thanksgiving

It's that time of year... The holidays are upon us and the days are cold but oh so busy.  The boys are full of joy and excitement about the days ahead.  The holidays are hard for me...

Over the last couple weeks I've asked over 50 kiddos about what they're thankful for or what the love most to eat at Thanksgiving.  I giggled with them and told them that I was Thankful for my boys, family, friends and even them! I joked that my favorite part of Thanksgiving was eating mac and cheese, and lots of pie (I actually hate pie)  I've had a ton of people ask me what my Thanksgiving plans are and I give the same standard answer... Oh, well the boys always spend Thanksgiving with their dad because I selfishly want Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my boys (This is VERY true) I don't have family here for us to celebrate with so its only right that they celebrate with their dad, then they can be with aunts, uncles and cousins.  

But, if i'm honest I don't want it like that.  I want to be able to offer them those things.  I miss planning a menu, shopping for ingredients and cooking a huge feast of our own.  I was actually really good at it believe it or not.  The boys and I have planned a breakfast feast just the 4 of us.  It's exciting and i know they're excited its just not the same.  Late morning their dad will come and pick them up and the house will go silent.  I'll likely cry and then realize that i need to pull it together this is now my life. I know that this won't be my forever and i know that one day i'll plan those large get togethers and have a house full of laughter but for now this is it.  I wouldn't change anything about my life path because I'm happier than I've been in a very long time and know only great things are coming for myself and the boys.

I'm blessed with incredible friends and will be spending time with some of them later in the day.  It won't make me miss my boys any less but i'm thankful for them! I truly have so many things to be thankful for this year, I am beyond blessed!

The Game of LIFE

The boys and I have been enjoying having regular game nights for awhile now.  Its a great time to be silly while working together.  Usually we each chose a game and take turns playing.  Last Sunday I was looking for the game of LIFE.  I was certain that we owned it but of course it was no where to be found.  I decided that i would get a new one so we could play it tonight.  Let me just start by saying that the game of LIFE has changed a bit since I've played it last.  We set the game up and started to play.  It was actually a really great learning and growing experience.  Each of the boys had to make a decision about college (even with the cost of tuition before them) Then they had the opportunity to buy homes, get married and have children.  Some of these were choices and others were just a part of life.  

They were a bit silly at times and the giggles contagious, when they each married and had kids they thought it was so silly.  When i got married Micah said... Oh man now i have a Step-dad.  (I didn't even know he knew the term) It started to get late so we had to put the game on hold but here is where we ended...  All boys decided to pay upfront and go to college (Thank God)

Noah

Career: Secret Agent

Home: Luxury Flat

Family: 3 Children and a Cat

Josiah

Career: Scientist that returned to night school to become a Lawyer

Home: Ranch

Family: No children and a Cat

Micah

Career: Doctor

Home: Flat, sold at a profit and bought a Dream Villa

Family: 1 child and a Cat

I'm a big fan of finding quality time with your kiddos and slowing down in life.  I'm hopeful that these are the things they'll remember when they're older.  Life doesn't always turn out exactly how we planned it to be.  Sometimes you have to make hard choices and take detours. 

Even Then...

A couple nights ago i started to panic, I started to fear the feeling of being alone. I texted one of my closest friends (she knows everything, and i'm not afraid to be myself with her) and I shared my fears.  I told her I scheduled the surgery, I told her I wasn't afraid of the surgery or the outcome. Its a hard thing to explain without sounding like i want sympathy.  But, here it is... It's the time when you arrive home and the house is silent, no one to call out to, no one asking you what you need.  I've been through this before but not completely alone. I'm always the one caring for others but, sometimes I want to be taken care of.  I don't have a mother offering to help, the boys will be well taken care of and happy with their dad.  Cassie was quick to offer to come and be here with me, but i assured her as much as i would love to have her here i could handle this.  This is my battle, this is my life, just another part of my story line.  There is always that fear in my heart, even when my world shakes and I think I can't take another thing, I persevere and come out stronger!  

I Want to be the Difference...

I want to be the Difference... I've been on an emotional roller coaster lately but... and i hesitate to say this because the fear of it going away is great but, my heart is full and i feel completely whole, more complete than I've felt in a long time.  There is a difference... I want to be the difference...