The Night Before High School

 It's the night before high school and all through the house the creatures (preteens and teenagers) were stirring and I shout... It's time for bed, lights out!

On this eve of a new school year, and one I'm feeling anxious about the boys are going about their routines.  I sit here at my computer wondering how it is that time has passed so quickly.  Micah is stating high school tomorrow and I'm not exactly sure I'm ready.  I feel like it was just yesterday that I dropped him at PDO and I sat in the parking lot and cried the whole time.  I'm going to try very hard not to cry tomorrow when I drop him off.  I know he's ready, he's mature beyond his years.  I also know I've done a darn good job with him and he can handle more than I give teens credit for.  Josiah is a ball of nerves and is very worried about what using a locker will look like.  I've assured him that they will be giving both 6th and 7th graders grace since they've never used them before.  And, then Noah... I'm not sure he even realizes what's happening tomorrow.  He's so chill about everything, I guess it's that 3rd child thing.

I've gathered supplies, helped pack backpacks and even started lunches.  I just can't believe summer has come and gone.  I received my class list on Monday and have been trying to get as much done as possible.  I'm excited to get into the classroom with my new assistant and show her around.  There is just this layer of worry about it all... my boys, my classroom and home.  

Right now I'm taking one day at a time, one foot Infront of the other and praying a long the way.  God's got this, somedays I wonder why things feel the way they do, But I know its all part of a beautiful plan.  God I'm counting on you to wipe the many tears that are going to fall!

Wait and Listen

 Writing helps me to release stress, it's a way for me to verbalize my feelings since I do not have another adult in the home.  I've been reading a lot and really trying to grow my relationship with myself, my boys as well as my faith.  I'm trying to stop wanting to control the outcome of everything and listen.  Listen to exactly what the plan is for me and my boys.

I defiantly have things that I want for myself.  I have dreams and goals that I want to reach.  But, at this time I truly feel like I being told to stop.  Stop, wait and listen.  Make no big decisions at this time.  Focus completely on myself, my boys and work.  This year brings big changes that are happening because it's time for them to happen.  Micah's going to high school because he's ready and has very successfully made his way to this point.  I'm getting a new assistant, because my old one moved on.  I'm taking on more responsibilities at work because that's the progression for my end goal.  These are things that have to take place (again out of my control)  I need to focus on these and make sure they are all up and running successfully.  

Then, I will start to focus on some of those end goals.  And, maybe when I'm not seeking or trying to control them, then they'll come on their own.  I know there is a plan for me and my boys.  Tiny steps in the right direction is the right decision for me.  I can't plan for what I don't know, but I can work on what I do have before me.

Grace, give me Grace as I wait and listen!

August

 The last few days have felt very heavy.  I wake during the night with a pit in my stomach.  It's a sick feeling that rises into my chest.  My heart starts to pound and I feel complete fear.  Yes, I know... It's my anxiety!  I talk myself down remind myself that I am prepared for this next stage in life.  I have a lot going on this month, I have big emotions and changes are coming whether I like it or not.

Micah is headed to high school in just 10 days.  He is an amazing kid and has such amazing things ahead of him.  I truly couldn't be prouder of him, or ask for a better kid.  He steps up when I need him to help around the house and even with his brothers.  If he sees something that needs to be done, he does it.  And school, he's smarter than I ever was.  I know his future is bright and I am so excited for him... but I'm also scared for him.  I feel like I am tossing him into a huge deep pool.  I just hope I've taught him enough and that he's packed his floaties.  As much as I want to jump in and save him, that's not my job anymore.  I just want him to find his people.

Last week I took him for his physical.  He's now officially taller than I am and I can't believe it.  As we sat in the exam room and Dr. King walked into the room I knew I had to let Micah handle the talking.  Our beloved pediatrician since the boys were babies retired so this was Micah's first meeting with Dr. King.  When he asked Micah about who lived at home I wanted so bad to save him from the question.  But, he handled it like a champ.  It's the tiny things that scare me, and make my mama heart hurt.  

I'm sorry baby boy that I've dropped the ball along the way.  Becoming your mom is the greatest job I have been ever granted.  I've been trusted to love you and guide you.  I am so thankful for you, for your curiosity, your ability to be you.  You have unique interests and a maturity beyond your years.  I Love you!

I have to remind myself (This was shared from another mama) that God knows my Micah and loves him more than I do.  God asks us to grow in some very unexpected and hard ways.  This is just part of the process.  I have to keep reminding myself this.

Josiah is headed to 7th grade, same school as last year, so this feels a little easier.  But I still worry about him.  I know he has a lot of worries for a little guy.  I try my best to keep them calm and reassure him that I'll carry the "heavy stuff" he can handle to little stuff.  This year soccer is really ramping up with three practices a week as well as games.  Watching him on the soccer field is one of my favorite things.  He is amazing and his talent is great.  He feels free and completely worry free on the field.  

Noah is headed to 5th grade.  I'm feeling a little sad that this is my last year at the elementary school.  I guess I'm also shocked.  I started the journey with Micah 9 years ago.  If I think back to the place I was when I was preparing to send Micah to kindergarten it was dark.  I didn't know what turns my life might take.  Here I am 9 years later, Micah is headed to high school, and Noah (who was 2) is in his last year of elementary school.  I don't worry as much about Noah.  He is super outgoing and very social.  Everyone loves him and his spicy personality.  

And then me... At work I've taken on a few additional responsibilities as well as my PreK classroom.  I have not yet received my class list, but I'm already praying over my new 16 tiny best friends.  My assistant from the last 4 years has taken another position outside our school and I have a new assistant this year.  I'm super excited about the journey we are preparing to take on together.  She is actually one of my students moms from last year.  I managed to snag her from another room and she seems excited to be working with me.  I just hope she knows what she's in for.  Change is hard, and extra hard on me.

I have a feeling I'll be shedding a few extra tears the next few months as we all adjust.  I'm praying for grace through this process. I'm also praying for relief from the heaviness.  

People

 Releasing the need to know all the answers

The last month I've taken the focus back on myself.  I've always been someone who likes very much to be in control.  If I can predict an outcome I focus on how to make that happen.  For most situations this works very well for me.  But, in other areas of my life this is NOT working.  So, I am working on releasing the need to know all the answers and how it all works it's self out.  I'm trying to take it one day at a time and also to give myself GRACE along the way.  I find that I am harder on myself than anyone else would ever be.  

I'm holding tight to things that are most important to me.  My Faith, My Boys, My Family, Friends and my work.  Those are all very constant in my life.  They maybe constant but not always consistent.  I can't control them.  I came give my all and try to make the best choices but that doesn't always mean I'll get the end result I want.

My Faith for example... Everyday I seek the advice of God, I ask for daily guidance in my choices and decisions.  I often find myself asking for things. (I'm trying to change this... ask for guidance in my path not asking for a specific path).  I felt this most the other day.  I often ask for someone to be a part of my life and future to navigate this life together. (I've been praying this prayer for 7+ years)  I've been told often that God doesn't always answer prayers exactly how we want.  This was very obvious to me the other day.  Story time... This week was my last week of summer school.  Which meant it was my last day with many of my students from this past school year.  If you know anything about me, I love and I love hard.  I fall in love with my students for exactly who they are. (just was I want others to do with me)  SO, the end is always hard for me.  I've grown close to not only the children but also their families.  This year specifically parents have loved and seen me for exactly who I am.  And imagine this... they still love me.  Yesterday and I was on the brink of tears saying my goodbyes one of my students moms pulled me aside.  She thanked me for a great year (one of may changes for their family) and for loving her son for exactly who he is and seeing in Gods love.  She then told me that they love me and that they want to always be in contact.  She said, in the fall if you need your leaves raked, we want to do that for you.  If you have house projects we want to help you with those.  As a single mom these words are a gift.  I'll likely never take them up on this offer but it is a realization that GOD places people in our lives.  Maybe it isn't the role I was looking for or praying for. But... It shows his hand is in it all.  

My Boys... Oh my boys.  I wish I could stop time.  This next school year I will have three boys at tree different schools.  Including my own, that will be 4 schools and 4 different schedules.  If I'm honest I a bit worried about keeping up with it all.  Sending my oldest to high school makes my eyes fill with tears.  The thought that I only have 4 years left with him at home breaks my heart.  And my youngest is starting his final year in elementary school.  I feel like it was just yesterday that I was packing up the car for a morning at the Zoo.  Two kids in a stroller and the other strapped to me.  When they say those days are hard and long but go by quickly they aren't kidding.  My boys need less and less of me each day. (this maybe why i find myself leaning into my work) My oldest recently told me that he really only needs me for good meals and to pay the bills (yes, disrespectful but many days true)  Hold your babies because they grow too quickly.  

I'll save the rest for another day... but, enjoy the moments you have each day and release the need to control it all.  By releasing the need to know all the answers and how it all ends allows me to live in the moment and enjoy it.  And who knows what God will do along the way. People are a part of our journey and each is placed there along the way for a purpose.

 The last couple months have been a time of reflection on none other than myself.  I've accepted that no one else can make me happy but that's something I can only do all by myself.  I can't expect my children and all of their emotions (teen boys have more than I ever expected) to be in control at all times, so I have to do that for them as well.  I've also decided that surrounding myself around positive, supportive and loving people is one thing I can control.  Being a mom and a single mom at that can sometimes make one feel very lonely and sad.  Feeling like a constant failure to the little people in my life.  

The last few weeks specifically with all the ugly in the world has me feelings a bit helpless.  There is nothing I can do to prevent the ugly and keeping those closet to me safe suddenly also feels out of my control.  So, what does one do with this?  Love, and love fiercely because nothing is guaranteed in life.  I've been trying to really take life for exactly what it is.  I am blessed beyond measure and my children are blessed.  I love my job and what I get to do each day, and I think I'm actually really amazing at it. Being able to say that is huge.  My personal life isn't exactly where I thought it would be but i've decided that's okay too.

So, where does that really leave me?  Well... putting in the work to be the best mom, teacher, friend and human possible.  Knowing that I am not in control and in the blink of an eye everything can change for better or worse.  God's driving this bus and ultimately has a route in mind, he'll never leave me on the bus alone and will be there good or bad.  

Same Spot One Year Later

As I entered this week I've been a bit emotional. Okay, maybe a lot.  This week is the start of a lot of change.  First it's my final week of school, second my assistant is not returning next year, next my 40th Birthday and my big baby Micah is graduating middle school and headed to high school.  Let's just say I'm not handling this all week especially all at once.

If you know anything about me, you know that I absolutely love what I do each day inside my classroom.  My students become an extension of my family.  I start praying for each one of them before they even walk through my doors. I get to know each child, their likes their dislikes, what causes emotion in them.  They truly let me in and I let them into my heart.  I like our routine that we create together.  This week is a hard week because I'm so proud of the growth they've made and all the things they've learned because of my love and guidance.  Knowing that they wont be walking in my doors is hard for me.  For me, this is the hardest part of my job.  Saying goodbye to my tiny best friends.  I know I'll make new ones but my old ones always hold a special place in my heart.

I have very mixed feelings about the next topic.  Laura and I have worked together for the last 4 years, the last 3 have been four days a week.  She has been my work spouse, well really my only spouse.  She listens and lifts me up when I need her support.  We have had so many laughs together.  I know that change is necessary I'm just scared for the unknown.  I already have my new assistant in place, and I'm hoping we can grow our relationship and become a great team.  I'm going to miss Laura, it feels like just another loss in my life.

And then we have my 40th Birthday.  I don't think it's the number that's getting me down.  I don't feel 40, and I don't think I look 40.  I think I had an idea of what my life would look like at 40, and because it doesn't resemble that, I'm struggling.  Some days I think I know exactly what I want and other days I want to step back and just take it as it comes.  I just need to be positive and embrace 40 and know that it will be my best years yet.

My Micah is officially headed to high school.  I can't believe that he is finished with middle school.  So many things are coming quickly these next 4 years.  He seems confident and ready for this next journey, but it's hard for me to watch.  I have complete confidence in his ability.  He is an incredible young man.  I've seen so much change in him.  He's always willing to step up and help me around the house and I truly appreciate him.  He sees life though the eyes of a young man and can reason so much better.  I'm so proud of all my boys.

Long story short, my days have felt very heavy and lonely.  I don't let people in easily, so allowing these feelings to show leaves me feeling very vulnerable.  I much prefer the overly confident, you cant and wont hurt me Mary Beth.  June 2nd we leave for vacation and that's stirring a whole other mess of emotions.  Have I mentioned I don't like the unknown.