Lauren Alaina - Road Less Traveled

Get on that road...

Faith

Pick your heart up off the floor and have a little Faith! If nothing else blast your music and dance!

1/2 Birthdays One Week until 10 and 1 Month until 38!

Today we celebrated Micah's 1/2 Birthday... That's 12 1/2... Just 6 months until I have a teenager.  How can this be???  I asked Micah a few times this morning if he was sure that he was 12 and not 11.  I was being completely serious, the shock is a little more than my mind is ready to handle. Our 1/2 Birthday tradition includes cupcakes in ice cream cones.  Micah let me know that he wasn't sure he wanted this for his 1/2 Birthday.  I feel like it was just yesterday that I prayed for a child. 

Exactly one week from today Josiah will be 10, that's another big birthday!  10... how is my middle little SO big?!?!?  This years Birthday celebration will look very different.  No family dinner out, no party but, we'll make the most of it.  I haven't been one of those "great" moms who's planned a drive by parade.

One month from today will be my 38th Birthday.  But, if anyone asks I'm going with 34.  34  just fits me so much better!  I guess you could say that I had hopes of being out of quarantine to celebrate my birthday with friends.  As I worked on my calendar this morning, I found myself hoping to just move through May quickly.  May is usually my favorite month of the year.

As I was cleaning out some drawers I found the below photo of myself (I should be doing a lot more cleaning out that I actually am).  I'm not sure exactly how old I was but, I'm guessing 15?  When I asked the boys if they knew who that girl was Noah instantly said it's you of course.  The others weren't exactly convinced.  I guess I can't stay young forever!

Happy Monday... P.S. Flat Ms. Mary Beth has already been on some fun adventures!

Flat Ms. Mary Beth

I'm super excited about the next activity I have planned for my students and I.  The adventures we'll go on, no one knows but I can't wait!

Today with a little help from Micah we made a "Flat Ms. Mary Beth."  I plan to read a chapter a day to the kiddos and encourage them to take me along on their adventures.  This was a great project for Micah and I to work on together.  My boys thought it was Soooo funny!  They danced me around out me in their pocket and joked they were taking me with them everywhere.  I told Micah that he could have one for his locker, he thoughtfully declined.  

Focus on What Matters Most - BRE Strong

When I struggle I write, when I write I release.  I've always been this way, even as a young child.  This pandemic has changed me forever, my faith has been tested and pushed to a new level.  During these past few weeks I am seeking grounding in my faith.  I've dove deep into my daily devotionals and Bible to find my strength.  I don't want to push my faith on anyone but do know that there is a purpose.  With all that being said my devotions have really spoken to me lately.  Almost as if God is saying, she needs this today and she'll need that tomorrow.  I've recently been reading "Pressing Pause 100 Quiet Moments for Moms to Meet with Jesus."  I highly recommend this simple, quick devotional for all moms.  It can be fast if thats all you have time for or it can leave you seeking more and finding answers with Bible study.
I understand that faith is NOT for everyone but I will tell you it gives your a great foundation and a source of Love you never knew existed.  So many of us need that right now.  I always say I am so Thankful for the faith my boys have in their hearts.  They know that no matter what, no matter how hard things get they are loved.  I pray daily for all those around me and those close to my heart that they too will feel God's love surrounding them.
Before I began my nightly devotional (I can't seem to get it in during the morning hours lately, when it would do me the most good.) I was putting a few things away when I cam across a rock.  On it, it said Bre Strong.  Bre is a very special girl that will always hold a special place in my heart.  I picked up the rock and held it tight.  Bre Strong Mary Beth, Bre Strong!  Bre had an incredible smile that was contagious, she was a joy to be around and brought so much light into every situation.  She is deeply missed and forever in my heart.  I held onto that rock and sat for my devotional.  I needed her with me tonight.
My devotional for the evening was titled, Focus on What Matters Most.  "Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." PSALM 90:12  The devotional spoke of the days when our calendars are SO full.  Our children have so many obligations, we have so many obligations.  I found it kind of ironic because today I have nothing absolutely NOTHING on my calendar.  These questions were asked:
             What is most important for our family right now?
             What is God's heart for our kids when they leave our home?
             How often will we try to eat dinner together?
In this very moment in time he's giving us time to figure all those things out.  What is most important for our family?  Whats most important for me?  What exactly do I want out of this life?
These are all questions we currently have time to think about.  What is it that I want?  for me? my children? our future?
            What activities were invading your time as a family?
            Would you say that your family lives proactively or reactively?
            How can you establish boundaries?
God is speaking to us during this time, we need to slow down and listen to what he's saying.  These days are long and exhausting. (Trust me I have hit the wall) I need to hold steady in my faith, continue to be the person that I am and have confidence in myself and our outcome.  So, I leave you with this quick prayer:

Father, teach me to number my days. Give me the clarity about what You want for me and my family. Help us live on purpose so that we will honor You in all we do. Help me to BRE Strong during the challenges.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

Pay it Forward and Other Stuff

Just in my last post I mentioned that God always provides.  Yesterday, I was on our neighborhood page and saw a post from a woman (I have no idea who she is, where she lives, nothing) that was asking someone to help her make masks.  She said she had tried and had all the supplies but just couldn't figure it out.  I messaged her and said I would be more than happy to help her.  She dropped off her supplies (Some left me a little puzzled) I made her a handful of masks and let her know she could come pick them up.  She told me to keep any of the supplies I might need.  So, I graciously accepted her elastic.  Again God provides!!!  Please keep paying it forward.
Today has been a hard day.  The last few days have been hard.  Ever since the news came on Friday that we wouldn't be returning to school I just haven't been able to get out of a funk.  There is no graceful way to say this... I'm mad, I'm sad, and I am ANGRY.
I reached out to a good friend and he mentioned that this is all part of the grieving process of all the loss in our lives right not.  Yes, great but what do we do about it now?
I'm trying really hard to stay positive about everything, looking out for those around me.  Sometimes I feel like my care is starting to backfire.  I'm so busy giving it away and feel frustrated being alone.  I'm trying to keep myself as well as the boys as busy as possible but eventually you run out of ideas.  I want noting more than to return to normal but... our normal will never really be normal again.  It's a new normal that seems scary!  Just to go out to the store yesterday I had to prepare.  I headed out with a detailed list (I only wanted to make one trip), no purse, my face mask and a baseball cap.  I looked a bit suspicious!!!  The guy who checked me out joked and tried to make lite telling me he was sure there was a beautiful smile behind that mask he could see it in my eyes.  It's amazing what people can now see in ones eyes.
I was very surprised the number of children I saw out in Costco (Maybe I'm being so strict with this) I was also surprised how some people really practiced social distancing and others still get right in your face.  I guess I've always been a rule follower, maybe that's what frustrated me most.  I'm following the rules (risking my own sanity) and others just don't care.  I'm sorry people but lets end this!!!
Okay, so I realize I've jumped all over the place with this post (This is what happens when I can't shut off my mind)  I wanted to share some things I found on the web... (https://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html)
Grief is something many of us are feeling.  During this we have all experienced loss.  Maybe it's a loved one, maybe it's a job, maybe it's a hobby, it can be so many things.  Here are the stages of grief:

Shock and Denial

Pain and Guilt

Anger and bargaining

"Depression" reflection and loneliness

The Upward Turn

Reconstruction and Working through

Acceptance and Hope

Any and all of these feelings are okay. No matter what your loss looks like it's okay to feel this way.  These were some of the suggestions my friend had for me to share.

Human connection is key 

(seeing people through a window or at a distance such as two picnics 10 feet apart can be nice)

Get out in Nature

Do kind things for others

I can say I've felt these feelings.  I desperately want to see my sister and my new niece.  It breaks my heart that I can't help her during this time.  I want a last opportunity to hug each of my students.  I want to go on the vacation my boys and I had planned for June.  I want my boys to have play dates and see their friends.  I want to walk into Barre3 and give myself 60 mins uninterrupted.  I know these things are temporary but it doesn't make it easier.  It's okay to not be okay!  Continue to be there for others, pray for others.  Let people know you care, one day at a time.

Over a Month in...

Well, we've made it over a month.  I've done a lot of things I certainly didn't plan on over the last month.

I gave not one, or two but three home haircuts.  My oldest who has become very particular about his hair allowed me to cut his hair.  And let me just say it turned out great.  I was terrified while I was doing it but all said and done we were both happy.

I've made over 200 face masks in the last month.  My first round was supplies I had gathered before the shut down.  All the other supplies have been donated by a co worker or were found in my basement.  (I knew I needed all those crafting supplies over the years)  If you still are in need of a face mask (it looks like we're moving in that direction) Please let me know I would love to donate one to you.  (I'm running low on supplies but will figure it out.  Every time I start to run low God always provides)

I've even mastered 2nd grade math like a pro.  I can re work a subtraction problem by removing the 10 and re adding it like a real 2nd grader.  I get more excited than my 2nd grader when I get the answer right.  I'd say leave it to the professionals but I am a professional.  I just had to re adjust my way of thinking.

I've become a chess master, or so I'm telling myself that.  Micah decided yesterday that he was going to school me in chess.  That's something about me... I may not know how in the beginning, but I'll sit quietly watching (even losing) taking mental notes and then show you exactly what I've learning.  By the end Micah had met his match.  I don't think he'll be challenging me anytime soon.

I've also learned to ALWAYS check the toilet seat... do you know what being home with three boys for over 30 days will do to a mother... no more words needed.

Tomorrow will be a big outing for me... Costco... I've been planning on going everyday this week but have found an excuse not to go each day.  So, hopefully tomorrow?!?! Then again will Friday be crazy busy?  and it's cold to wait outside (see this is how I talk myself out of it... and the fact that we still have toilet paper) So, maybe Monday next week.  Stay tuned... My accessories of choice my mask and a baseball cap.

FEAR

Fear YOU  don't own me!  

Today has been a hard day.  I said to one of my friends the other day that this has been an emotional roller coaster and the last time I felt like this was during my divorce.  I had little control and didn't know how things would turn out. 

I think the reality that I won't be returning to my classroom with my 16 friends is starting to hit me.  I'm still praying and holding out hope that we can gather again around our circle but it't not looking good.  This is devastating to me.  I'm praying that they wait to make the announcement closer to the end of the month, less time to feel the anxiety.

I discovered today that Noah hasn't been pushing the submit button after completing his assignments in google classroom.  So, I had to go through each assignment with him and make sure he understood what he needed to do (Yes, I explained this to him before but he is 8 after all.  He gets very frustrated with me when I try to help him) I think today was a turning point for he and I.  Maybe moms help isn't so bad after all.

The boredom is really starting to kick in and we're running out of things to do.  I'm trying daily to come up with things but I'm wearing thin.  I want to say TAG you're it.  I may have taken out my frustration on the cable company today (Man they can make my blood boil) Sorry, Johnathan the cable guy.

Can this day just be over already!?!? I want to just crawl in bed and cry it out.  Tomorrow FEAR you won't own me.  Just like I told Johnathan I have options and I don't have to choose You!  Goodbye Goodbye FEAR, you will never be welcome here.

I absolutely love Francesca Battistelli!!! 

Vulnerable

I'll stay vulnerable!

One Day at a Time

One day at a time, that's what I keep telling myself.  One day... looking at my calendar can feel very daunting with NOTHING on it.  I know that everyone is feeling this way i'm just not afraid to say it.  I've learned to be honest about my life and I'm unapologetic.  I'm miserable and I've cried a lot... A LOT!!!  I feel completely alone and crave outside interaction.  I feel like in the last couple months everything and i mean everything with the exception of my three amazing boys, has been taken from me.  It wasn't even slowly it was all at once. ( I know I'm not alone in this but it sure does feel like it)  You love him... I'll take that.  You love your classroom... Take it away.  Your students smiling faces... Take that too.  Workouts that bring you calm...Gone. Friends... Can't see them either.  

This should be bringing the boys and I closer together but I fear it's only pushing us further apart.  We argue over everything from food, school work and underwear.  Yes, underwear.  At this point, don't wear any... It doesn't bother me.  

Teaching is something I love most in my life and I'm realizing I'm terrible at teaching my own children.  The looks we give each other sometimes  would scare a grown man.  I've decided, it's to hard or WE don't understand it then we move on.  It's not worth the tears.  

Just yesterday I put together a slide show of pictures that my students families have sent me over the last few weeks (This took me way longer than it should have... ) I'm hopeful that these pictures will put a smile on my students faces.  Reading them a story through the screen or doing a virtual circle just isn't the same.  I want to see them smile, giggle and discover new things.

I've been trying to workout regularly, this absolutely makes a difference in my mood.  Workouts are not the same but since they started streaming live workouts that has defiantly helped. I'm often working out and solving math problems at the same time but for now it works.  

Daily pictures of my new niece Edie also helps a lot.  She is such a sweetie I just want to snuggle her chubby cheeks.  She and I have faceTimed  a few times so she knows her Auntie.  Katie has truly blossomed and found a role that suits her Best.  She's an amazing mama!!! (yes, I bought her that tutu the day I found out she was a girl)

I think the hardest part is just the lack of outside interaction.  I just want to go have dinner with a friend or sit in my classroom after school sharing fun new learning ideas.  

I cook constantly, clean up and try to guide my children through their studies.  It's hard because no one says thank you (They are very polite children this is just different) No one says wow that was amazing. I don't get random drawings to hang on the wall. Or simple I love yous for no reason.  I don't even get the random compliment on my outfit.  Those are the best!  I love the innocence of little love!

Just this morning as we were settling in (The news was on) Noah said to me. "Mom,  how do they know it's not headache medicine.  That always helps me feel better.  Maybe it can save all these people."

Oh my sweet babe, I wish it was just headache medicine.  One of my friends said it best... something to remember when you are mad at that sweet child - he's going to save the world.  Maybe one day.  Only out of the mouth of babes.

Josiah said to me the other night while I was tucking them in and saying our nightly prayers.  "Mom, I think you watch to much news, I can tell by the way you're praying."

Yes my little Love, you are probably right.  This is consuming me and i have to try to pull back.  

So, One day at a time and a lot of prayers right now.  

Results and Reality

Yesterday my doctors office finally called with my results.  They said that they were able to get everything and and everything was clear.  She then said that they'd prefer to NOT have me come in for my follow up due to the proximity to the hospital.  She instructed me to remove the outer bandage between now and next week.  

After putting the boys to bed last night I decided this was the night.  Let me just say I was not prepared for what I saw.  The incision was much different than I expected and a lot larger.  Things just didn't look the way I thought they would.  I was in a bit of shock, I then began to cry feeling completely alone.  I finally make progress in one area and now I have to accept this.  I feel very selfish and vain for being upset like I am.  I don't have anyone saying I love you in spite of this, you're still beautiful to me.  Maybe in time this will settle and feel better, but right now it feels terrible.  When I told my sister, she said it's okay, it's just another battle wound.  I don't want anymore, I just want to be left alone.

Waymaker

This experience has been a trial and journey for all of us.  It's only driven me closer to Him.  He's got this, He's got all of this.  Under Him are so many talented Doctors and Nurses.  We will see our way through this.