Rise Up

Tonight as my barre workout was coming to an end and we began our cool down, Rise Up by Andra Day came on.  Thankfully it was dark in the room at this point, because the tears started to roll down my face.  October has been especially difficult for me.  Just the ups and downs, emotions.  But some how, I continue to rise up.  I am in a constant state of exhaustion, and maybe this is just the stage i'm in, in my life.  I almost feel stuck like I just keep going round and round.  I love my children more than anything and I love my students, I enjoy everything about it.  I guess i just wish life would slow down a little.  I wish the worries were less, I wish I didn't feel so alone while doing it all.  It's the constant unknown for me.  I rise up like the day, I rise up unafraid, I will continue to rise up in spite of the ache and I'll do it 1000 times again.  One day We'll rise up...and it won't seem as hard.

Modern English

So, the other night I had a new experience with someone I want to have may new experiences with.  He mentioned that he had an interest in going to see one of his favorite bands and of course every song was his favorite.  But, this is something I absolutely love about him! When he has a passion he truly has a passion.  He suggested that i listen to the music before we went.  I googled The Ocean Blue, I listened to a couple songs.  I knew i recognized the sound but had no idea why or who I had heard in the past that sounded similar.  He continued to ask if I knew different bands and of course i said no.  Just a side note, I love music, I love how I can relate to the words at different times in my life.  But, I've never been good at bands names and song titles.  So, this evening i decided to listen to some more music by The Ocean Blue.  That's when I realized, Modern English... I'm sure Modern English was one of the bands he mentioned last night but again, I had no clue.  End of story I had a great time, and I'm glad he decided to share this with me. 

 Another side note...when the two of us go out we meet the most interesting people... more on that another time.

Say You Won't Let Go

Sometimes a song says all the words, and it says them so much better than I ever could!  I've loved this song for awhile now...

XOXO

A Journal by Us...for Us

This is just a guess because i don't know how long it was that i bought the 'Our Love' Journal.  Let me start at the beginning.  The last few years of my marriage felt loveless and lonely.  When the final straw happened and i knew there was no going back i still wanted more for myself and the boys.  WE deserved that.  So at some point during the divorce process i bought a journal titled 'Our Love'  A journal by Us for Us. I guess you could say that i bought the journal to tell myself that one day i would be loved, fully loved. I knew and know my journey to love the second time around will be an adventure with plenty of ups and downs and twists and turns. So, this  journal is a simple guides to spark communication.  Now if you know me, you know i like to write and it's one of the easiest ways i know how to share my feelings.  It takes away the fear of rejection, i don't have to see your reaction on you face.  I know that communication is key in a good sound relationship but this can be extremely difficult at times.  There are so many things that you want to say or share but hold back because of your fear of the other persons reaction.  

As i was cleaning out my office the other day i came across the journal at the bottom of a drawer and completely forgot that it was there.  I opened it and i read a few of the prompts...there were also the following quotes:

~I Fall in Love with you all over again when...
"Being Deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage."   -Lao Tzu
~When it comes to us, sometimes i wonder...
"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind." -William Shakespeare
~I thought about you today and...
"If I had a flower for every time I thought of you... I could walk through my garden forever." -Alfred Tennyson
~One of the nicest things you do...
"No act of Love, however small, is never wasted." -Aesop
~What i Love most about you is...
"Never let a loving thought go unspoken."
~I Love coming home to you because...
"Love comforteth like sunshine after rain." -William Shakespeare
~You make me a better person...
"We are shaped and fashioned by what we love." -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
~I need you because...
"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather loved in spite of ourselves." -Victor Hugo
~Let's talk about...
"Never close your lips to those to whom you have already opened your heart." -Charles Dickens
~Please forgive me...
"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that had crushed it." -Mark Twain

I could keep going but i think you get the idea.  Opening up requires complete trust for me.  I could answer all of those questions easily on paper but it's so much harder in conversation...Be patient with me...It's there...

A LOVE Like Theirs

The past 24 hours have been a crazy wave of emotions.  I've always known little bits and pieces of my grandparents love story but today i got a few more, I'd love to sit my grandmother down and talk endlessly about it.  They met when they were just 14 years old and had a constant and steadfast love and affection for one another.  They were married for 65 years!!!  You don't see love like that anymore. This leads me to one of my favorite verses:

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

I promise you that their love wasn't perfect and they slipped at times but they always persevered!  This morning as we were processing out of the chapel i hugged my grandmother and told her how sorry i was and how much i loved her.  She grabbed my hand and said...We had a great life together, and i want that for you too.  I began to cry.  In a way i always felt like i let her down with the path my family took.  I thought i was a disappointment to her in a way, but when she said that to me i realized that isn't the case.  I don't have 65 years left in me, and i don't want perfection but, i do want a great life!