Who You Say I Am

Recently (by a few people)  I've been asked about my faith and what it is exactly that I believe.  This song sums it up for me.  I am a child of God, I am welcome there and there is a place for me.  Some people will ask how I believe in a God that would allow some of the things to take place in my life that have. How could i accept that he would allow every person that promised to love me and be with me forever, to just walk.  My response is simple, others have been through more.  Every time I have been lost he has always brought me in NEVER leaving me.  Even when I was feeling pain deeper than I could have ever imagined he was always by my side with his hand reached out to help me up.  He has allowed me to grow stronger by making my own choices.  Not always being the perfect ones but, never allowing me to stray to far from him.

He is for me and I know that he has a beautiful plan for not only me but my boys.  Every night the boys and I pray and we always end our prayers asking for our hearts to be softened and opened and that the hearts of those that will be on this journey with us be softened and opened as well.  I know I am never alone and I want my boys to know that they will also never be alone or fear the unknown.

I have to side bar for a minute, I have so many amazing women in my life that walk by faith and I have watched Gods plan play out in their lives. My one girlfriends story is one of a beautiful blessing of 4 girls blended imperfectly perfect. I'm sure if you asked her 15 years ago if she saw this as her life plan she'd say No, but i also bet that she wouldn't have it any other way.   

I am Blessed and so thankful for the Grace I've been granted and the place I'm at today.  I'm truly happier than I would have though possible 5 years ago.

That HUG...

That HUG is what got you here today... I think it almost lost you forever.  Let me start from the beginning... I'm a person who likes my own space, I'll invite you in for a hug depending on my comfort level.  I DON'T go around hugging everyone, especially someone I just met a couple hours earlier.  This should actually make you feel better about the kind of person that I am.  Let me actually clarify...I'll wrap my arms around a child that's hurting or needs comfort upon first meeting them.  Another mom might also get the softer side earlier.  But, a first date would be a long shot to get a hug!!!  So maybe you're wondering why this is even a topic in my life.  Simple...It's an ongoing inside joke with Geoff and I.  I don't think there is a time when he doesn't mention it...EVER.  I secretly kind of enjoy it!  Let's start by defining what a hug is and when and whom you might hug, then i'll share about our FIRST hug.

Wikipedia's definition...A hug is a form of endearment, universal in human communities, in which two or more people put their arms around the neck, back, or waist of one another and hold each other closely. If more than two persons are involved, it is referred to as a group hug.

The origin of the word is unknown but two theories exist. The first is that the verb "hug" (first used in the 1560s) could be related to the Old Norse word hugga, which meant to comfort. (What comfort would have i been sending???) The second theory is that the word is related to the German word hegen which means to foster or cherish, and originally meant to enclose with a hedge.

A hug, sometimes in association with a kiss, is a form of nonverbal communication.  Depending on culture, context and relationship a hug can indicate familiarity, love, affection, friendship brotherhood or sympathy. A hug can indicate support, comfort, and consolation, particularly where words are insufficient. A hug usually demonstrates affection and emotional warmth, sometimes arising from joy or happiness when reunited with someone or seeing someone absent after a long time. A non-reciprocal hug may demonstrate a relational problem. (This may have been where i went wrong)  A hug can range from a brief one second squeeze, with the arms not fully around the friend to an extended holding. (This maybe what happened and where the misunderstanding stems from)The length of a hug in any situation is socially and culturally determined. In the case of lovers, and occasionally others, the hips may also be pressed together. (This was not happening!!! I just met you!!!) The emotionality of the hug furthermore influences the direction of the hug. In deeply emotional contexts, hugs tend to be more left-sided compared to hugs in neutral situations such as greetings. 

Unlike some other types of physical contact, a hug can be practiced publicly and privately without stigma in many countries, religions and cultures, within families, and also across age and gender lines, but is generally an indication that people are familiar with each other. (Talking for a couple hours isn't familiar for me) Moving from a handshake (or touch-free) relationship to a hug relationship is a sign of a closer friendship such as best friends. (I totally got there, just not on the first date!)

Doc this facts for you... Hugging has been proven to have health benefits. One study has shown that hugs increase levels of oxytocin and reduce blood pressure.  Based on significant research indicating that a 20-second-or-longer hug releases oxytocin.  Leo Buscaglia encourages people to hug for 21 days consecutively and to have each day a hug that lasts for a minimum of 21 seconds. He recommends "getting lost in the hug", encouraging people to slow down and "use the power of the hug to be fully present in the moment"   Thank you Wikipedia for all the background info... I had no clue!

So, back to how we got here... 

I have been accused of giving the worst first hug EVER!!! If my memory serves me correctly it was a weak Side hug (He insists that it included a pat on the back) but to defend myself I didn't really know him.  I thought he was a great guy and knew I wanted to see him again.  And man did he make me work for that 2nd date!!! But that's just who I am. Let it state for the record that i Kissed him first! So take that... I wouldn't change anything about the way things happened and glad I stayed true to myself and the process I was comfortable with.  There is a good chance he will NEVER let me live that hug down!!!

As silly as this post might be it just clarifies that one shouldn't read to much into anything, especially a hug. 

xoxo

Say You Won't Let Go

Say YOU Won't Let Go... It seems super simple, make a promise and keep it.  James Arthur's Say You Won't Let Go has been one of my favorite songs for a couple years now.  I still remember the first time I heard it.  I remember thinking that it was exactly what I wanted and needed.  I just wanted to be enough.  I even may or may not have referenced this song on my dating profile.  I'm scared of completely letting go, but I know I need you.  Life is crazy, its constantly changing and completely unpredictable.  But there are a few things that you can control and that is the commitment to working though it and not running when things become difficult.  I want to share my every high and my every low, just say you won't let go.

But somehow you make me feel this way!

James Arthur - Can I Be Him

This Feeling

They tell me think with my head, not that thing in my chest...

I have a tendency to always think with my head and not my heart.  The old, younger me always followed my heart but the second time around has been much different.  I read every article, book and want to do everything right.  I don't want to get hurt and most certainly don't want to let my boys feel pain.  I've slowly walked a fine line with them, providing them just enough information to get them thinking but not enough to worry them.  

Everyone and I mean EVERYONE has an opinion on how I should be handling my personal life and my boys.  Some have suggested that I maybe sending the wrong message by not pushing the issue of my boys.  I wanted to be completely certain about him before meeting my boys.  In my mind its a huge step.  I know that many people think of it as a casual thing... not me! I also understand that fully loving someone means loving all of them including their children. I'll admit that it is a bizarre feeling to feel like you know so much about someones children (likes, dislikes, personalities...I'm making mental notes of it all) but not really know them.  

Overthinking things has to be one of my biggest faults.  I've worked really hard on trust and believing that someone won't hurt me the way I've been hurt in my past.  I have to remind myself there are good men out there.  I would never hurt someone the way I've been hurt therefore I have to trust.  Part of falling is trusting and having faith.  I have that trust and faith in him, so here is to this next year... following my heart and not always thinking with my head.