2nd Time in 2 Weeks

This is the 2nd time in 2 weeks that the boys and i have to say goodbye to some very close friends.  This time it's Josiah's best friend and his family.  This family came into our lives just a few years ago. It was just as our lives were changing, they were willing to put in the time and energy to earn the trust of my boys.  

We quickly set up a regular routine having evening play dates every Friday that included creativity and pizza.  And on those Saturdays when i'd wake to a quiet house Sahana was always sure to invite me along for morning errands.  We'd wonder Target for hours and come home with things that we never knew we needed. We'd buy in bulk and hope our boys would eat it all.

It's hard for some people to understand but i created this safe place for my boys and i.  We could just be ourselves.  And this month we have lost 2 of those places.  Someone recently said to me that this opens a spot for new to come in.  I want new but i'm terrified.  Letting someone new in is scary because that means letting them see me at my weakest and knowing my vulnerabilities.  

My boys are incredible but they've been through a lot and just like their mother they have some trust issues and never really knows what someones true intentions are.  We put up walls and even pull back in moments of fear.  I have to keep reminding myself that God is just preparing us for great things.  There is a plan and the best is yet to come.  These families have come into our lives leaving a lasting impression on our hearts.

Next week we'll spend the week with my sister and her family in Michigan, another safe place.  The distraction will be welcomed and full of family fun.

June 24, 2017

A year ago today i had woken to a quiet home, no children calling my name, no place to be.  The boys were with their dad. I clearly remember i was in a mood and not a great one.  I had been trying to date for about a year at that point.  Yes, i had my fear share of 1st dates.  I decided as i laid in bed that i needed an ego boost (Online dating will do that for you within minutes) I began swiping left, left, left rarely every a right.  I put the phone down and felt completely defeated.  (Now, a little background on my dating style, match with someone chat for a few days maybe weeks and then decide is this someone i actually wanted to give my time to.)  Not long after putting my phone down i had a few matches, i looked over them again and questioned what i was thinking.  Then i came to my last match.  I decided to send him a message. (This dating app Ladies go first)  I was kind of a brat and would usually not say more than Hi.  I don't really remember what i said to him.  But, i remember he responded and pretty quickly.  I also remember him suggesting that maybe we should meet for a drink that evening if he could find the time.  (Now i'll be honest... If you can find the time!?!?) I was attracted to what little i knew about him, I found him to be handsome and straight forward...i was attracted to the idea of him having children. I then said something along the lines to... IF you find the time what time are you thinking. (I didn't tell him this but i needed to get my butt out of bed and shower)

He then suggested that we meet in the middle. I had never heard of where he lived so i had no clue where the middle would be.  I told him to tell me when and where and i would be there.  I believe it was later in the evening when we were to meet maybe 7pm.  I hate to be late and prefer to always arrive first that way i can choose my seat and get comfortable... He can find me, i don't have to find him.  He had chosen the Cellar Door, i left with plenty of time to arrive a little early.  But... When i arrived to downtown there was a festival going on and parking was a nightmare.  I drove around for awhile finally finding parking in the garage.  I was a little flustered because now i was 5 minutes or so late.  As soon as i walked in the door i saw him sitting there at the bar.  i knew instantly it was him.  I sat down to his left and we began to chat.  I don't remember if i had one or 2 drinks (he'll swear i only had one) He was even more handsome than i expected and easy to talk to.  But, He made me nervous .  I'm not sure if he could tell but i remember him placing his hand on my leg which help remove some of my tension.  Conversation was easy and i thought he was enjoying himself too.

His daughter was leaving for camp the next morning so it was an early evening.  He walked me to my car and i gave him a hug thanking him for the evening.  He'll never let me live it down because he says it was the worst hug ever.  My response is a simple one, i don't just go getting cozy with everyone (He was lucky he even got a BAD hug).  I'm actually very slow to warm up to letting someone in my personal space.  I was leaving the next weekend for Michigan with my boys.  He was leaving with his kids a little after us also headed to Michigan.  I texted him a few times over the next few weeks he always responded but never really seemed interested.  I decided i wasn't up for the chase and maybe it just wasn't a good fit.

6 Weeks and 6 days later i sent him a text.  I clearly thought about him often and decided to bury my ego and see how he was doing.  I asked him how he was and what he was up to... Again he didn't seem interested.  I went ahead and made other plans that evening.  He then texted me and said what are you doing tonight.  I said... Well, if you had asked me 15 minutes ago nothing.  He then quickly asked if i was free the next night.  (That was a risky move on my part)  I clearly was available... i didn't have much going on.  The story continues but i'll leave it there...

I am so thankful that a year i decided to walk into the wine bar, get out of my funk and take a chance.  I don't know where this journey will leave me or us.  Dating as an adult and dating as a parent is completely different and like nothing you've ever experienced unless you've done it.  i'm not saying it's better or worse it's a juggling act.  Finding time for each other and still being the best parents that you can be is hard but i'm told its worth it in the end.  A happier you makes for happier kids (This maybe very hard for them to understand right now) But right after my divorce someone said to me... The more people who can love your children the better.  This relationship has taught me so much about myself and me and a mother.  It sounds crazy but it's pushed me to be a better mom.  When you watch someone you care deeply about give their everything to their children you can't help but want to do the same. 

Harder than I Thought

I've started this post more times than you'd believe and it's always turned into tears and i can't continue.  So be warned that this is going to be no different than my others post...unedited, unfiltered and a mess...

I'm sitting on my couch on this Friday night with a cupcake 1/2 eaten (my other bestie brought that by when i started to cry on the phone earlier because she's leaving me next... and yes, i worked out today so i can eat it ALL) some Whitney Houston on and the tears are already welling.  It all started a few months ago...

I was on facebook and saw a random post by none other than Cassie on the local Naperville page.  She was asking about places to live in South Carolina.  I saw it and thought very little of it, another friend asked me if Cassie was moving.  I said, Nah she's just having one of her crazy ideas and it will blow over.  Well, it hasn't blown over and shes leaving a week from today.  I'm not ready for her to go.

Our friendship started over 9 years ago when we first met at MY GYM a gym class for the kids.  I was a new mom and still trying to figure things out.  She approached Micah and i.  We made small talk.  I then heard her mention a program her Charlie was starting in the fall and i quickly inquired (I was a first time mom with no help and NEVER got a free moment)  If there was somewhere i could drop my child off for a few hours once a week i needed to know more (Side note: Once i finally signed him up i sat in the parking lot waiting and counting the minutes until i could go in and pick him up... Go figure)  Then months later after i finally decided it was okay to sign my sweet boy up...There i was in line to get Micah.  There in front of me was Cassie.  We quickly put the pieces together and realized how we knew one another.  Micah and Charlie were instant friends, they had similar interest and were always together.  Now if you know Charlie then you know that he looks very similar my boys and essentially could be mine. (Another Side Note: I LOVE that boys as if he was my own) Cassie may have even joked once asking... Where my husband was 9 months before Charlie was born and wondered if he possibly fathered a baby that was later given up for adoption.  (Funny, but not funny if you knew my story...i laughed it off because he really does look like my boys) 

I quickly realized that i wanted Cassie in my life.  She made it very clear that she didn't want anymore friends saying "Look Sister, i already have enough friends i don't want anymore"  Me: Fair enough i accept the challenge. And if you know me, you know i worked my way into her heart.  She became one of my closest Friends.  I shared everything with her, she saw me though some of my darkest moments never missing a beat loving me all along the way. She shared in my joys.  I owe her all the thank yous in the world for helping me become who i am today.  She has helped mold me into the confident, outgoing, positive woman i am today.  Without her i don't know where i would be.  She has pushed me to new limits, and encouraged me that i can have it all, i can make it all a reality.  But, i'm not there yet, i'm not ready for her to go.  She's been my safety net in a way, my first phone call, whether it was about telling Micah how babies are born, or having 7 skunks living under my stoop or even more serious conversations.  She has wiped my tears and mended my bruises. She's given me a place to celebrate the holidays when i'm alone...She has been steadfast and constant,  I'm not ready Cass, i'm not ready!!!

When you look at my whole story you know that i'm used to people leaving me.  And, i know she's not leaving me but, i'm not ready to have her that far.  

Cassie Beets Clark, you are one of a kind and my heart is broken that you're going so far away.  I'm secretly praying you hate it and return soon.  Your family has become my family.  This Sunday evening Cassie and i will take our places in Sullivans and toast one last time for now.  I just hope i don't cry the ugly cry in public.  I Love You Cassie, Jeff and Charlie (Zach and Connor too)

A side note... This maybe one of my last posts before i close up shop on Simply Me.  It maybe time to close this chapter of my life.