Harder than I Thought

I've started this post more times than you'd believe and it's always turned into tears and i can't continue.  So be warned that this is going to be no different than my others post...unedited, unfiltered and a mess...

I'm sitting on my couch on this Friday night with a cupcake 1/2 eaten (my other bestie brought that by when i started to cry on the phone earlier because she's leaving me next... and yes, i worked out today so i can eat it ALL) some Whitney Houston on and the tears are already welling.  It all started a few months ago...

I was on facebook and saw a random post by none other than Cassie on the local Naperville page.  She was asking about places to live in South Carolina.  I saw it and thought very little of it, another friend asked me if Cassie was moving.  I said, Nah she's just having one of her crazy ideas and it will blow over.  Well, it hasn't blown over and shes leaving a week from today.  I'm not ready for her to go.

Our friendship started over 9 years ago when we first met at MY GYM a gym class for the kids.  I was a new mom and still trying to figure things out.  She approached Micah and i.  We made small talk.  I then heard her mention a program her Charlie was starting in the fall and i quickly inquired (I was a first time mom with no help and NEVER got a free moment)  If there was somewhere i could drop my child off for a few hours once a week i needed to know more (Side note: Once i finally signed him up i sat in the parking lot waiting and counting the minutes until i could go in and pick him up... Go figure)  Then months later after i finally decided it was okay to sign my sweet boy up...There i was in line to get Micah.  There in front of me was Cassie.  We quickly put the pieces together and realized how we knew one another.  Micah and Charlie were instant friends, they had similar interest and were always together.  Now if you know Charlie then you know that he looks very similar my boys and essentially could be mine. (Another Side Note: I LOVE that boys as if he was my own) Cassie may have even joked once asking... Where my husband was 9 months before Charlie was born and wondered if he possibly fathered a baby that was later given up for adoption.  (Funny, but not funny if you knew my story...i laughed it off because he really does look like my boys) 

I quickly realized that i wanted Cassie in my life.  She made it very clear that she didn't want anymore friends saying "Look Sister, i already have enough friends i don't want anymore"  Me: Fair enough i accept the challenge. And if you know me, you know i worked my way into her heart.  She became one of my closest Friends.  I shared everything with her, she saw me though some of my darkest moments never missing a beat loving me all along the way. She shared in my joys.  I owe her all the thank yous in the world for helping me become who i am today.  She has helped mold me into the confident, outgoing, positive woman i am today.  Without her i don't know where i would be.  She has pushed me to new limits, and encouraged me that i can have it all, i can make it all a reality.  But, i'm not there yet, i'm not ready for her to go.  She's been my safety net in a way, my first phone call, whether it was about telling Micah how babies are born, or having 7 skunks living under my stoop or even more serious conversations.  She has wiped my tears and mended my bruises. She's given me a place to celebrate the holidays when i'm alone...She has been steadfast and constant,  I'm not ready Cass, i'm not ready!!!

When you look at my whole story you know that i'm used to people leaving me.  And, i know she's not leaving me but, i'm not ready to have her that far.  

Cassie Beets Clark, you are one of a kind and my heart is broken that you're going so far away.  I'm secretly praying you hate it and return soon.  Your family has become my family.  This Sunday evening Cassie and i will take our places in Sullivans and toast one last time for now.  I just hope i don't cry the ugly cry in public.  I Love You Cassie, Jeff and Charlie (Zach and Connor too)

A side note... This maybe one of my last posts before i close up shop on Simply Me.  It maybe time to close this chapter of my life.