Known

I'm saddened to share that this Wednesday i'll say goodbye to my Grandpa Moon for last time.  I have this faith inside me that gets me through some pretty hard stuff.  My focus now is on my Grandmother and what her needs might be.  Even during the hard times when we want to push everyone out and want to be alone, our faith in God fully pursues us.  You are fully known and loved!

Thank you to everyone who called and texted to check in on me this weekend.  I'm sorry i haven't returned calls, i needed to mourn this alone so on Wednesday i can be strong.  Below you're more than welcome to check out Grandpa Moons Obituary...short but sweet!

http://www.thayer-rock.com/obituary/william-bill-moon

Grandpa Moon

The past couple week have been challenging to say the least.  I never would have imagined the emotion i would feel and the waves that it has come in.  As many of you know my grandfather is very sick and his final days here with us are upon us.  Also as many of you know family can pose some challenges for me.  After a long conversation with my Uncle "Star" he reminded me just how amazing my boys are and that's because of me, their mother.  Also that i'm pretty great myself.  My family doesn't function like most and has it's own challenges but this is us and i'm going to stay as positive as possible.

As a young child i have memories with my fathers parent, grandma and grandpa Moon.  I can remember visiting their home and wondering through my grandfathers garden, his thumb was green...boy did i NOT inherit that trait.  He had the most incredible garden and was he proud of it!  I can also remember being very small, small enough to fit beneath the bar stool and pretending like i was driving a car (I know silly memory)  Then there was the basement.  There was every toy you could think of down there.  Mostly my dad and his siblings old toys but they were all new to us.  Then if we were lucky my grandpa would pull out this car that we could actually drive around.  i don't even know how to describe it but i sure can picture it in my head.  My sister and i would fight over that thing endlessly.  Then when we moved to California my grandparents always sent a huge boy full of Christmas gifts.  I remember being told we couldn't open them until Christmas... that was so hard!

This summer the boys and i spent some time in Michigan, i am so thankful that we were able to spend some of that time with my grandparents.  I'm so glad that my boys got to see my grandpa smile and happy.  We all walked down to the park so the boys could play the same park (it had changed equipment 4 times) i played at as a child.  We sat in the shade and caught up on everything you can think of.  Then before we left i took the boys into the backyard i used to play in and even showed the boys where my grandpas garden once was.  He told the boys about all the things he used to grow, very proud of himself.  

Grandpa Moon you were a great son, husband, father, grandfather and great grandfather.  You worked endlessly for your family and served the Lord.  I am proud to be your granddaughter and feel blessed to call you mine.  I have cried my last tear for the night but I know there are plenty more to come over the next few days. I'll always have a special place in my heart for you Grandpa. 

Here are a few photos from our visit this summer!

You Say I am Loved

Today as i stood in the kitchen busy preparing dinner, sorting through a stack of school papers, helping with math problems and assisting with a reading assignment the song You Say by Lauren Daigle came on.  I had to fight the tears in that very moment but as soon as i finished with i was doing i came into my office and just broke down crying.  Its been building for about a week now.

Last Monday when i came out from barre class i had a few missed calls and a text from my sister asking me to call her.  Now my sister and i don't call each other during the work day unless its something important.  I knew this had to be.  I picked up the phone and called her immediately.  It was about my grandpa; My dads dad.  She gave me the few details she had which wasn't much.  We couldn't call our dad and ask him was was going on because he doesn't regularly speak to his parents.  I decided to reach out to his younger brother.  I got a little more information but still no real answers.  Fast forward a week my grandfather had a procedure on Tuesday(i couldn't understand how or why this was a good idea or what it's purpose was) and yesterday the result was not exactly progress but yet the biggest set back and heartbreaking reality.   

This has just really had my mind racing... A month or so ago i reached out to my mother, i asked simply why don't you make more of an effort to be a part of the boys and my life.  She never responded.  Nothing.  How is this family so dysfunctional??? Why can't we come together?  Sometimes i feel like it's me... but when i look at the bigger picture i know it's not.  I have great relationships with my siblings and extended family.  There is just that disconnect between my parents and i.  But... That doesn't make the rejection feel any less.  Every person who has promised to love me forever and be by my side has walked away.  I think about the love i have for my boys and i can't imagine walking away from them or making them feel small.  Maybe i over compensate and smother them with words and physical affection because i don't want them to ever wonder.

During times like this i shouldn't feel so alone, i should have those people in place.  i am a very strong independent person but that has come with time but that doesn't mean that sometimes i cant want the comfort of others and to feel like i am enough.  Those voices come during the hard emotional days.  In you i give my faith.

Boys...I Will Love You For a Thousand Years!

My Boys...

I feel beyond blessed to be mom to these three incredible boys.  They challenge me on a daily basis to be a better, mom, friend, teacher, sister and the list goes on.  We have our moments of continuous laughter, uncontrollable tears, joys and fears.  I often question my ability to do it all.  Am i giving them enough, do i tell them i love them enough. But, i could never give up on striving for more, especially for them!

One of the most painful things i deal with and i can't seem to make go away is my relationship with my parents or lack there of.  When i'm emotional i feel sad and want to find blame on myself but when i'm rational i know that this is something completely out of my control.  I've reached out I've asked but the constant rejection gets old. This often bleeds into other areas of my life.  My goal is to never let my children question where they stand in my life nor question my love for them.

These three boys know how to make more noise, big messes and bring me to my knees but, i wouldn't have it any other way.  I was recently asked if i wanted a daughter...  If i'm honest i would have loved to have a daughter.  Big bows, little dresses, all things girl.  I would have loved to create the mother daughter relationship i never had but watched so many of my friends live.  I have a fear that my boys will all grow older and marry but gravitate toward their wives family.  They usually say girls always go home.  That leaves me in a pretty funny situation.  But, still i wouldn't have it any other way.  I love my boys and know all things dirty, rough and tumble.  Look at these smiles, and the way they look at me.  I'm their mom and the first person they want when they're sad or hurt.  

Be Brave

Tomorrow is a new day, a new start, it may be a hard morning for many.  Be brave mommies, we promise you that as you hand your children to us and trust us, we will not disappoint you.  We don't know them like you know them but, we are quick learners, patient and can't wait to see those tiny smiles as they develop new friendships and learn something new.  

As a mommy myself and very guilty of sitting in the parking lot just waiting to pick my sweet baby up from PDO i know the feeling.  You want nothing more than for them to develop independence and grow into the little person you know they're becoming. But, at the same time your heart breaks as they walk away from you and you worry... will they be okay?  will they miss me? what if he won't stop crying? They WILL be okay, they WILL miss you and they WILL stop crying.  That's the beautiful thing about children.  It's okay to think and feel this way. Try to allow yourself the time and know that when you return the smile on their face couldn't be greater. The stories they share will be sure to bring a smile to your face.  Thank you for trusting us and sharing your precious and tiny love with us.  Be BRAVE, they are!

Tomorrow is the start of a beautiful year, one tiny smile at a time!

Barre3

Back at the end of May i decided to try a new Barre studio that was closer to home and came highly recommended.  After my first class i decided to make the change.  I absolutely love the environment and the intensity that each class brings.  Each of the instructors are great and continue to push me to new levels.  During the summer the studio invited us to all participate in a 'summer challenge'  I was unsure about the commitment i would be able to make to the challenge with all the crazy that summer brings.  I decided to attend as many 5:30am classes that my schedule would allow.  The challenge ended a couple weeks ago and i was super surprised when i received an email that i was number 10 out of 219 participants.  Normally i'd like to be #1 but given my busy life with 3 busy boys that wasn't realistic.  Barre has helped me in so many ways.  It has made me physically, mentally and emotionally stronger.  It's something i do for ME and only me 3-5 times a week.  I've had a lot of people ask a lot of questions about my new found love for barre3. 

I recently came across an article about men and barre.  Occasionally i see a man in class and one of our instructors is a man but its not usually a mens workout.  I was in a rush when i saw the article and made it a point to screen shot it so i would remember to go back and read it. 

The article can be found in Men'sHealth... If you're interested here is a link to the article to read for yourself.  Men'sHealth