Today as i stood in the kitchen busy preparing dinner, sorting through a stack of school papers, helping with math problems and assisting with a reading assignment the song You Say by Lauren Daigle came on. I had to fight the tears in that very moment but as soon as i finished with i was doing i came into my office and just broke down crying. Its been building for about a week now.
Last Monday when i came out from barre class i had a few missed calls and a text from my sister asking me to call her. Now my sister and i don't call each other during the work day unless its something important. I knew this had to be. I picked up the phone and called her immediately. It was about my grandpa; My dads dad. She gave me the few details she had which wasn't much. We couldn't call our dad and ask him was was going on because he doesn't regularly speak to his parents. I decided to reach out to his younger brother. I got a little more information but still no real answers. Fast forward a week my grandfather had a procedure on Tuesday(i couldn't understand how or why this was a good idea or what it's purpose was) and yesterday the result was not exactly progress but yet the biggest set back and heartbreaking reality.
This has just really had my mind racing... A month or so ago i reached out to my mother, i asked simply why don't you make more of an effort to be a part of the boys and my life. She never responded. Nothing. How is this family so dysfunctional??? Why can't we come together? Sometimes i feel like it's me... but when i look at the bigger picture i know it's not. I have great relationships with my siblings and extended family. There is just that disconnect between my parents and i. But... That doesn't make the rejection feel any less. Every person who has promised to love me forever and be by my side has walked away. I think about the love i have for my boys and i can't imagine walking away from them or making them feel small. Maybe i over compensate and smother them with words and physical affection because i don't want them to ever wonder.
During times like this i shouldn't feel so alone, i should have those people in place. i am a very strong independent person but that has come with time but that doesn't mean that sometimes i cant want the comfort of others and to feel like i am enough. Those voices come during the hard emotional days. In you i give my faith.
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