Never Been a Moment

I was undecided if I was going to share this journey I've decided to take.  Lets start where it all began, I've always had a strong faith and could NOT have come where I am without it.  Through this journey there has not been a minute that I've been alone, I've always been loved by you.  You've answered all of my request, not always in my timing but always in yours.  But, none the less you've always come though for me.  So, 6 years ago I did the only thing I knew how to do, I dropped to my knees and begged for you to make it all okay. The transformation that has come is a beautiful one, one I could have NEVER imagined.  You made me more confident, strong and independent than I could have ever dreamed!

The last few years again, I have made a request, I have prayed about this person or people that are meant to be in my life and the lives of my boys.  Sometimes I'm completely confused and the picture isn't even clear.  But, I know that there is a plan.  And, everything I experience is for a greater purpose.  The journey and who will be on that journey is unclear.  My emotions have been stirring and I'm not sure what I'm feeling.  Its very unfamiliar to me.  There are days when I breakdown and want you to just answer me, Is this it?   My heart is SO guarded in fear of hurt and rejection.  I know this won't be easy.  So, a few weeks ago I decided to create a prayer journal for my future.  For my future husband and even for my future children that won't be mine by blood but by love alone.  Trust me, I know that's huge and a huge step.  It requires being completely vulnerable. 

As I write the prayers and make these requests, I feel complete fear because I know this is going to be hard.  But, the upside is I've watched my children accept that moms happiness is important too.  I found this the other day and thought it was perfect...

The bond that links your true

family is not one of blood 

but of respect and JOY

in each others lives

I hope this reaches someone who needed to hear it.  Our stories aren't perfect and our journeys aren't easy but in the end I want you to know you're not alone. 

Better Together

It's always better when we're together.  I could have never imagined the twists and turns my journey would take.  But, in my current state I couldn't be happier and more content.

I'm sitting here in my kitchen, dinner is cooking the boys are watching a show i've asked them not to watch only 100 times and my basement is a disaster.  BUT, today the boys played nicely, working together and were creative.  I was able to get some work done for the upcoming school year.  As the weeks get closed the first day jitters are becoming excitement for what this next year holds.

When I look back at where I was just 6 years ago my life has completely changed.  I think for the first time in a very long time I can say I feel content (with only a few minor worries, and yes, i've said this before but the contentedness just grows)  I can't control the bigger picture but I can sit back pray and stay positive.  Look where it has brought me today.  This time of year is always hard for me.  I still can't help but fall to my knees when I think about that night almost 6 years ago.  It's something i'll never fully rid from my mind the images will forever be in my head.  The fear of not knowing what i'd do and how i'd move forward.  But, look I've moved forward and I have so much to be thankful for.  I have three incredible, sometimes challenging but always loving boy that I get to call my own.  I see moments of them cheering each other standing together and my heart is filled. Those are the moments that I feel like all the hard days are worth it. I have met someone who brings me more joy than I could have imagined possible at this stage in my life.  I felt completely broken and wasn't sure it was possible.  I don't know where our journey will take us, and I know it wont be easy. But, I truly feel like I am better with him in my life.  Therefore better together. (God I pray he sees it too)  I have an opportunity to again make a difference in the lives of littles lives.  Loving and nurturing children that are not my own has to be one of my greatest God given gifts.  I'm super excited about this adventure starting September 3rd.    

I have become this person I didn't even know existed. I'm more confident, loving and physically at my best.  I not only have a passion for my children and everything they do but a passion for myself.  A happy mama is a better mama.  And for the first time ever I believe that my boys see my happy and are okay with the changes.

Almost Said It

While we were in Austin Carley Rae Jepsen came up... So, of course I had to look a little closer at her music. I was told she was a one hit wonder.  Well, I've found a few songs I really like.    Almost Said it, caught my attention.  10 words specifically... Every time you look at me, I say it silently. XOXO

How Will I Know

The last two days while in the middle of my workout, this song has come on.  Who doesn't love a good Whitey song?!?!  There is just something about some of her songs that take me to a place and puts a smile on my face.  

Somebody Loves You

My story has only given me strength and made me who I am today.  But, with that said its been a journey to get to this place.  Falling in love with myself was something I could only do and decide to do.  I still don't know what my future holds and i'll be honest there are days when fear consumes me and I have to remind myself one day at a time.  The last few years have had many highs and lows, tears shed and laughter.  My whole life, for as long as I can remember I just wanted to be loved and chosen.  Accept me for who I am, love me for what I am.  Becoming completely vulnerable is something that seems impossible for me.  I take two steps forward and fear creeps in and I feel myself pull back. The fear of being completely broken yet again is real.  

I've decided that this is the year to make the change.  If it doesn't fit and doesn't serve me than I'm  cutting it from my life.  This is 37, and I'm ready to own it with all of it's glory.  I don't owe anyone anything.  Someone will love you,  just the way you are!  Wake up and look around and see how the outside world looks at you!

When You Love Someone

When you Love someone, really love someone you just want whats best for them.  Sometimes people fall out of love and two homes are better than one.  But when you really love someone even when you're apart they'll still feel that love. When I heard this song earlier today it really touched me. 

On the Eve of His 9th Birthday!

9 Years ago today I rushed around trying to put everything into place as I prepared to meet my second son for the first time.  If you know even just a little about me, you know I LOVE my boys endlessly...  One of the greatest gifts in life is motherhood.  This morning looked VERY different than nine years ago.  I rushed to make lunches including 2 bagged for a field trip, comforted one who was mad because he wasn't going on a field trip and even got between a plastic airplane one boy threw at the other.  I could have never imagined the chaos my life would become but... I WOULD'T change a thing.  I Love my BOYS!!! So, when 'Now That We Found Love' broke out on the radio... WE stopped everything and danced until we couldn't take it anymore!  For those few minutes everyone stopped complaining, felt the joy and moved to the music.  (Of course the chaos continued until I sent them all on their way.)  Have a GREAT day!

Broken & Beautiful

I'm Broken and it's Beautiful!!! Recently I was asked about my journey and then I heard this song on the radio.  I'll never forget that right after I decided that I needed to make a change in my life and ultimately end my marriage I was given a book called Broken is Beautiful (or something similar)  I remember when I received the book I cried, I didn't want to be broken.  How was I broken? And how was any of this beautiful?  I had been in a marriage for over 10 years and much of the time told I wasn't enough and never would be enough.  I was told that I was used up and no one would ever be able to love me for me.  I guess I was already a bit broken from the inside, in that very moment I was just sharing it with the world around me.  I guess we're all a bit broken some more than others it's just what we do with our brokenness. And maybe even how good we are at hiding it.  I'm hiding nothing anymore, I'm Broken and IT IS Beautiful.  Don't give me sympathy or lower the bar.  I'm phenomenal and I am ENOUGH!

Here With Me

I need you here with me...

Now I know I'm falling in deep...because I need you here with me...

When you lift me up I know that I'll never fall...

GIRL...Stop Your Crying

GIRL, get it together and STOP your crying.  It's amazing that one persons actions can cause me to crumble so easily. 

 Let me start from the beginning.  I've worked very hard to create a safe capsule for not only myself but my boys.  But then one person breaks into that space and decides they want to be inside that safe space.  Sneaking around, not telling anyone what they're doing all along knowing this will devastate me bringing me to my knees. The old me would tighten that capsule making it smaller and closing us in.  Not this time, I don't have to put up with this...  I'm happier than I've been in a VERY long time.  I've met someone that bring me joy and I see more with.  I think that maybe this has been sensed and therefore this breaker is grasping for what he can to stay relevant.  This won't work my friend.  My life is moving on and forward without you.  You can continue to one up me with things but i'll ultimately win with LOVE and TIME!

Do not repay evil or insult with insult.

On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because

to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

1 Peter 3:9

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

Proverbs 31:25

For I know the plans i have for you.

Jeremiah 29:11

The wise women builds her house,

but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

Proverbs 14:1

The Lord God said, "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky.  He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name.  So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping he took one of the man's ribs and the closed up the flesh.  Then the Lord God made a women from the rib he had taken out of the man and he brought her to the man.  The man said, "This is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man.  That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, they become one flesh.

Genesis 2:18-24

The word is something that comforts me in times of need.  I can open my heart and cry out about anything.  Knowing that i'm not being judged and loved and that with patience his will, will be done.  His love is endless for me AND my BOYS and i just need to have HOPE!

That Look of Judgement...

If you're a parents you know that look.  That look of judgement that the person who is giving it doesn't even realize they're giving it sometimes, other times they just give it to shame you!  You may even give that look often yourself, unknowingly.  I'm sure i'm guilt.  But...I was especially guilty before I had children of my own, before I was a single mother, or even before I was honest about my truth.

I can remember being fresh out of school with my first class of my very own; and boy did i make some judgments.  I was going to be such a better parent.  My children were going to eat all of their vegetables and even think carrots were candy.  If a child was screaming or tantruming in public I thought, YIKES!  My child would never behave like that because we would have a clear understanding who the boss really was... ME of course.  

Now if you're a parent you know very well that no matter how many books you read or no matter how calm you are and talk sweetly to your little love, if they want to Tantrum they're going to tantrum.  The same goes with life, things are out of our control most of the time and there isn't a thing we can do about it.  You can go around putting band aids on things and handing DUM DUMS to your child to silence them to take some of the embarrassment and shame away.  The reality is if you're honest with yourself we've all been there.  This thing called life isn't perfect, and we have to STOP judging each other.  Just embrace it, and smile and give a nod the next time you see a mom struggling with her 2 year old in the grocery store or maybe even her 10 year old.

We don't know all the circumstances that brought someone to their current place in life or why that child is acting out.  Not only may the mother or father be struggling with something but that child might also be dealing with an internal struggle as well.  So, STOP shaming each other! 

I've really learned to embrace my life as a single mother (This was something that was very hard for me at first, I thought it was like the scarlet letter) and own it with confidence (Sometimes I still feel a little out of place, but I've made great strides) But there is still that moment in a conversation when you say, oh my boys are with their dad or i don't have my boys today.  The persons face freezes and they realize OH, You're DIVORCED!  Yes, I am divorced and it was the one thing I said I would NEVER be.  But, with that you don't know my journey, you don't know the countless times I tried to fix things, or the times I felt shame because of it.  God only know what I've been through, and God only knows what they say about me.  But I know what I say about myself and I'm proud of who I've become.  My journey is NOT over and many chapters are still to come.  

This post comes from a place of LOVE and GRACE, extend grace to those around YOU! Music has always spoken to me, in happy moments and sad moments.  This song was one of the many...  

I Hope they see the strength, and courage.

LOVE and LISTEN we NEED each other

No Matter What

I Love you no matter what, I just want you to be happy and always be who you are.  I'll always be here for you my sweet boys, no matter the path you choose in life.  A mothers (and fathers) love for their child is unconditional and endless no matter what.  We have an idea or vision for our children but the reality is they'll be whoever God wants them to be.  Love your children no matter what!!!

The 5 Love Languages

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman has to be one of my favorite books.  If you have not read the book I highly recommend it, single or coupled.  I'll give a quick overview of the 5 languages, share mine, and why I think it's important to know your own and your partners love language.  Let me start by saying that I've read this book many time.  I've read it in joyful moments, in moments of complete loss just wanting to fix things...but that leads to something much deeper.  With the passing of Valentines day love was the topic of TV shows, radio topics and even the latest movie releases. While listening to the radio as I made breakfast for my boys the book The 5 Love Languages came up.  Now i was listening to a Christian radio station so it was fitting, but they were talking about the new app that was created to help you figure out what your love language is and how to connect with your Love. The app is directly connected to the book and is called Love Nudge.  So of course once the boys were at school I found it... more on those results later.
The definitions are taken directly from the Love Nudge App...

Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation

Actions don't always speak louder than words.  If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you.  Hearing the words, "I Love You" are important - hearing the reasons behind the love sends your spirits skyward.  Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.  Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.

Love Language #2: Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full undivided attention.  Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there- with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby - makes your significant other feel truly special and loved.  Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.  Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.

Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts

Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of the gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness and effort behind the gift.  If you speak this language the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous-so would the absence of everyday gestures.  Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.

Love Language #4 Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floor really be an expression of love?  Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighting on an "Act of Service" person will speak volumes.  The words he or she most wants to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter.  Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of those acts.

Love Language #5 Physical Touch

This love language isn't all about the bedroom.  A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy.  Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder or face - they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love.  Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.  Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.

Now for my results...

My results only included 4 of the 5 love languages. When i read the definition of the missing love language in my life i'm not sure why it's missing but i would say it's not super important to me...

Coming in at #1 was Physical Touch with 33%.   #2 was Quality Time with 30%.  #3 was Words of Affirmation with 23%.  #4 was Acts of Service with 13%.  Last but i'd say certainly not least Receiving Gifts with 0%. 

I completely agree with most of my results.  When we're in public and you place your hand on my back or on my leg or even grab my hand I feel special and loved. I feel like you're completely present in the moment with me (Leading to the next) There are 1000 other ways you touch me that spark emotion and feelings of love. So therefore i agree with Physical Touch being high for me. (Just not on a first day, those is give lousy hugs)
Quality Time is important to me, but the reality of our lives is it's not super realistic. I just have to savor every minute that I do get and be completely present in those moments.  Knowing that you're listening to my every word, even the silly stories brings me closer to you.
Words of Affirmation are always helpful, especially when I need reassuring, and need to feel that connection to you during times of busyness. We all struggle with insecurities and knowing someone we love loves us back regardless of those short comings goes a long ways.
Acts of Service helps me feel loved simply because as much as i might think i'm super woman some days I can't do it all.  I'm terrified and overwhelmed some days and need help.  I think I need to remind myself that a little more often.
Receiving Gifts comes in last but surly doesn't go unnoticed.  Whether its a weed whacker or a beautiful necklace...those are both gifts with thought a love behind them.  The one says girl you've got this and can handle more than you realize and the other reminds me you're with me daily even if not physically.

I think that to feel fully loved we need all of those things, some more than others.  I think that knowing your significant others love language helps you to speak to them and grow closer to them.  Times are not always going to be easy and some days it might be a choice to love rather than a feeling.  But for me it's the commitment of love and friendship that leads to the finish line.  Our journey may not look exactly like we thought it would but it's our's and its imperfectly perfect.
If you get a chance i'd suggest reading the book or downloading the app.  It has a feature where you can send a request to your significant other so you can connect and grow deeper in love.

Who You Say I Am

Recently (by a few people)  I've been asked about my faith and what it is exactly that I believe.  This song sums it up for me.  I am a child of God, I am welcome there and there is a place for me.  Some people will ask how I believe in a God that would allow some of the things to take place in my life that have. How could i accept that he would allow every person that promised to love me and be with me forever, to just walk.  My response is simple, others have been through more.  Every time I have been lost he has always brought me in NEVER leaving me.  Even when I was feeling pain deeper than I could have ever imagined he was always by my side with his hand reached out to help me up.  He has allowed me to grow stronger by making my own choices.  Not always being the perfect ones but, never allowing me to stray to far from him.

He is for me and I know that he has a beautiful plan for not only me but my boys.  Every night the boys and I pray and we always end our prayers asking for our hearts to be softened and opened and that the hearts of those that will be on this journey with us be softened and opened as well.  I know I am never alone and I want my boys to know that they will also never be alone or fear the unknown.

I have to side bar for a minute, I have so many amazing women in my life that walk by faith and I have watched Gods plan play out in their lives. My one girlfriends story is one of a beautiful blessing of 4 girls blended imperfectly perfect. I'm sure if you asked her 15 years ago if she saw this as her life plan she'd say No, but i also bet that she wouldn't have it any other way.   

I am Blessed and so thankful for the Grace I've been granted and the place I'm at today.  I'm truly happier than I would have though possible 5 years ago.

That HUG...

That HUG is what got you here today... I think it almost lost you forever.  Let me start from the beginning... I'm a person who likes my own space, I'll invite you in for a hug depending on my comfort level.  I DON'T go around hugging everyone, especially someone I just met a couple hours earlier.  This should actually make you feel better about the kind of person that I am.  Let me actually clarify...I'll wrap my arms around a child that's hurting or needs comfort upon first meeting them.  Another mom might also get the softer side earlier.  But, a first date would be a long shot to get a hug!!!  So maybe you're wondering why this is even a topic in my life.  Simple...It's an ongoing inside joke with Geoff and I.  I don't think there is a time when he doesn't mention it...EVER.  I secretly kind of enjoy it!  Let's start by defining what a hug is and when and whom you might hug, then i'll share about our FIRST hug.

Wikipedia's definition...A hug is a form of endearment, universal in human communities, in which two or more people put their arms around the neck, back, or waist of one another and hold each other closely. If more than two persons are involved, it is referred to as a group hug.

The origin of the word is unknown but two theories exist. The first is that the verb "hug" (first used in the 1560s) could be related to the Old Norse word hugga, which meant to comfort. (What comfort would have i been sending???) The second theory is that the word is related to the German word hegen which means to foster or cherish, and originally meant to enclose with a hedge.

A hug, sometimes in association with a kiss, is a form of nonverbal communication.  Depending on culture, context and relationship a hug can indicate familiarity, love, affection, friendship brotherhood or sympathy. A hug can indicate support, comfort, and consolation, particularly where words are insufficient. A hug usually demonstrates affection and emotional warmth, sometimes arising from joy or happiness when reunited with someone or seeing someone absent after a long time. A non-reciprocal hug may demonstrate a relational problem. (This may have been where i went wrong)  A hug can range from a brief one second squeeze, with the arms not fully around the friend to an extended holding. (This maybe what happened and where the misunderstanding stems from)The length of a hug in any situation is socially and culturally determined. In the case of lovers, and occasionally others, the hips may also be pressed together. (This was not happening!!! I just met you!!!) The emotionality of the hug furthermore influences the direction of the hug. In deeply emotional contexts, hugs tend to be more left-sided compared to hugs in neutral situations such as greetings. 

Unlike some other types of physical contact, a hug can be practiced publicly and privately without stigma in many countries, religions and cultures, within families, and also across age and gender lines, but is generally an indication that people are familiar with each other. (Talking for a couple hours isn't familiar for me) Moving from a handshake (or touch-free) relationship to a hug relationship is a sign of a closer friendship such as best friends. (I totally got there, just not on the first date!)

Doc this facts for you... Hugging has been proven to have health benefits. One study has shown that hugs increase levels of oxytocin and reduce blood pressure.  Based on significant research indicating that a 20-second-or-longer hug releases oxytocin.  Leo Buscaglia encourages people to hug for 21 days consecutively and to have each day a hug that lasts for a minimum of 21 seconds. He recommends "getting lost in the hug", encouraging people to slow down and "use the power of the hug to be fully present in the moment"   Thank you Wikipedia for all the background info... I had no clue!

So, back to how we got here... 

I have been accused of giving the worst first hug EVER!!! If my memory serves me correctly it was a weak Side hug (He insists that it included a pat on the back) but to defend myself I didn't really know him.  I thought he was a great guy and knew I wanted to see him again.  And man did he make me work for that 2nd date!!! But that's just who I am. Let it state for the record that i Kissed him first! So take that... I wouldn't change anything about the way things happened and glad I stayed true to myself and the process I was comfortable with.  There is a good chance he will NEVER let me live that hug down!!!

As silly as this post might be it just clarifies that one shouldn't read to much into anything, especially a hug. 

xoxo

Say You Won't Let Go

Say YOU Won't Let Go... It seems super simple, make a promise and keep it.  James Arthur's Say You Won't Let Go has been one of my favorite songs for a couple years now.  I still remember the first time I heard it.  I remember thinking that it was exactly what I wanted and needed.  I just wanted to be enough.  I even may or may not have referenced this song on my dating profile.  I'm scared of completely letting go, but I know I need you.  Life is crazy, its constantly changing and completely unpredictable.  But there are a few things that you can control and that is the commitment to working though it and not running when things become difficult.  I want to share my every high and my every low, just say you won't let go.

But somehow you make me feel this way!

James Arthur - Can I Be Him

This Feeling

They tell me think with my head, not that thing in my chest...

I have a tendency to always think with my head and not my heart.  The old, younger me always followed my heart but the second time around has been much different.  I read every article, book and want to do everything right.  I don't want to get hurt and most certainly don't want to let my boys feel pain.  I've slowly walked a fine line with them, providing them just enough information to get them thinking but not enough to worry them.  

Everyone and I mean EVERYONE has an opinion on how I should be handling my personal life and my boys.  Some have suggested that I maybe sending the wrong message by not pushing the issue of my boys.  I wanted to be completely certain about him before meeting my boys.  In my mind its a huge step.  I know that many people think of it as a casual thing... not me! I also understand that fully loving someone means loving all of them including their children. I'll admit that it is a bizarre feeling to feel like you know so much about someones children (likes, dislikes, personalities...I'm making mental notes of it all) but not really know them.  

Overthinking things has to be one of my biggest faults.  I've worked really hard on trust and believing that someone won't hurt me the way I've been hurt in my past.  I have to remind myself there are good men out there.  I would never hurt someone the way I've been hurt therefore I have to trust.  Part of falling is trusting and having faith.  I have that trust and faith in him, so here is to this next year... following my heart and not always thinking with my head.