People

 Releasing the need to know all the answers

The last month I've taken the focus back on myself.  I've always been someone who likes very much to be in control.  If I can predict an outcome I focus on how to make that happen.  For most situations this works very well for me.  But, in other areas of my life this is NOT working.  So, I am working on releasing the need to know all the answers and how it all works it's self out.  I'm trying to take it one day at a time and also to give myself GRACE along the way.  I find that I am harder on myself than anyone else would ever be.  

I'm holding tight to things that are most important to me.  My Faith, My Boys, My Family, Friends and my work.  Those are all very constant in my life.  They maybe constant but not always consistent.  I can't control them.  I came give my all and try to make the best choices but that doesn't always mean I'll get the end result I want.

My Faith for example... Everyday I seek the advice of God, I ask for daily guidance in my choices and decisions.  I often find myself asking for things. (I'm trying to change this... ask for guidance in my path not asking for a specific path).  I felt this most the other day.  I often ask for someone to be a part of my life and future to navigate this life together. (I've been praying this prayer for 7+ years)  I've been told often that God doesn't always answer prayers exactly how we want.  This was very obvious to me the other day.  Story time... This week was my last week of summer school.  Which meant it was my last day with many of my students from this past school year.  If you know anything about me, I love and I love hard.  I fall in love with my students for exactly who they are. (just was I want others to do with me)  SO, the end is always hard for me.  I've grown close to not only the children but also their families.  This year specifically parents have loved and seen me for exactly who I am.  And imagine this... they still love me.  Yesterday and I was on the brink of tears saying my goodbyes one of my students moms pulled me aside.  She thanked me for a great year (one of may changes for their family) and for loving her son for exactly who he is and seeing in Gods love.  She then told me that they love me and that they want to always be in contact.  She said, in the fall if you need your leaves raked, we want to do that for you.  If you have house projects we want to help you with those.  As a single mom these words are a gift.  I'll likely never take them up on this offer but it is a realization that GOD places people in our lives.  Maybe it isn't the role I was looking for or praying for. But... It shows his hand is in it all.  

My Boys... Oh my boys.  I wish I could stop time.  This next school year I will have three boys at tree different schools.  Including my own, that will be 4 schools and 4 different schedules.  If I'm honest I a bit worried about keeping up with it all.  Sending my oldest to high school makes my eyes fill with tears.  The thought that I only have 4 years left with him at home breaks my heart.  And my youngest is starting his final year in elementary school.  I feel like it was just yesterday that I was packing up the car for a morning at the Zoo.  Two kids in a stroller and the other strapped to me.  When they say those days are hard and long but go by quickly they aren't kidding.  My boys need less and less of me each day. (this maybe why i find myself leaning into my work) My oldest recently told me that he really only needs me for good meals and to pay the bills (yes, disrespectful but many days true)  Hold your babies because they grow too quickly.  

I'll save the rest for another day... but, enjoy the moments you have each day and release the need to control it all.  By releasing the need to know all the answers and how it all ends allows me to live in the moment and enjoy it.  And who knows what God will do along the way. People are a part of our journey and each is placed there along the way for a purpose.

 The last couple months have been a time of reflection on none other than myself.  I've accepted that no one else can make me happy but that's something I can only do all by myself.  I can't expect my children and all of their emotions (teen boys have more than I ever expected) to be in control at all times, so I have to do that for them as well.  I've also decided that surrounding myself around positive, supportive and loving people is one thing I can control.  Being a mom and a single mom at that can sometimes make one feel very lonely and sad.  Feeling like a constant failure to the little people in my life.  

The last few weeks specifically with all the ugly in the world has me feelings a bit helpless.  There is nothing I can do to prevent the ugly and keeping those closet to me safe suddenly also feels out of my control.  So, what does one do with this?  Love, and love fiercely because nothing is guaranteed in life.  I've been trying to really take life for exactly what it is.  I am blessed beyond measure and my children are blessed.  I love my job and what I get to do each day, and I think I'm actually really amazing at it. Being able to say that is huge.  My personal life isn't exactly where I thought it would be but i've decided that's okay too.

So, where does that really leave me?  Well... putting in the work to be the best mom, teacher, friend and human possible.  Knowing that I am not in control and in the blink of an eye everything can change for better or worse.  God's driving this bus and ultimately has a route in mind, he'll never leave me on the bus alone and will be there good or bad.