Well, this morning I got that dreaded phone call from yet another friend. We're likely moving out of state...those were the words I heard on the other end. Of course I asked a few questions to gather more information and then burst into tears. I don't know if I can handle losing yet another friend.
I can be rather stand offish, especially until I know your full and real intentions for our friendship. Letting people into my inner circle can be very hard for me, trusting someone with my secrets and truly trusting that they'll be there for me no matter what comes my way. I created a super safe inner circle over the last 10 years of friends. It wasn't a huge circle but it was my safe circle. Within the last 2 years I've lost 3 of those friends and now the reality that i'm losing more is real.
I can feel myself going into shut down mode just moving my way through life rather than opening myself to the idea of adding to that inner circle. Letting my guard down has been a huge challenge for me, I almost feel as if people can see right thought me. They can see all the bruises on my body and all the terrible words. I much rather just move forward smiling and loving what I do have, my boys and my students. Letting new people in seems terrifying, something I'm not up for.
I finally felt like things were starting to fall back into place with all the changes over the last 4 months. I'm going to choose positive and courage through this...
Saturday, June 20, 2020
Thursday, June 18, 2020
Friday, June 5, 2020
Wednesday, June 3, 2020
My Fireplace Project
About a month ago one of my good friends inspired me when she showed me her fireplace project. I chose a completely different design but I couldn't be happier with how it turned out. Below is the before, in progress and end result. I haven't sealed it because my perfectionist self will likely touch it up some more. I realize that the end result is not for everyone but it makes for a great statement!
Accepting the new normal
This last week since my 38th Birthday I've realized and accepted a few things...
Let me start by saying that returning to barre this past week has helped greatly! I've already been to a handful of classes (today's was in the rain) and I'm already starting to feel like myself again. But, I've accepted that it's going to look different for awhile. I'm just thankful that I can move and feel amazing.
Today I decided that we needed to start changing the way we've been doing things at home. Everyone is bored are complains often to let me know. I accept the fact that we are a two home family and if they want to go to their dads for a change of scenery then that's just fine. This doesn't make me a bad mom... but, actually a better mom.
I also know that this next school year will look different. I have no idea what it will look like but I'm accepting that no matter what, it will be amazing. I love what I do and I'm thankful for the opportunity to help mold the lives of little people. The fact that parents trust me to love, care and educate their children is so rewarding.
I have to give up control and accept this as my new normal.
Let me start by saying that returning to barre this past week has helped greatly! I've already been to a handful of classes (today's was in the rain) and I'm already starting to feel like myself again. But, I've accepted that it's going to look different for awhile. I'm just thankful that I can move and feel amazing.
Today I decided that we needed to start changing the way we've been doing things at home. Everyone is bored are complains often to let me know. I accept the fact that we are a two home family and if they want to go to their dads for a change of scenery then that's just fine. This doesn't make me a bad mom... but, actually a better mom.
I also know that this next school year will look different. I have no idea what it will look like but I'm accepting that no matter what, it will be amazing. I love what I do and I'm thankful for the opportunity to help mold the lives of little people. The fact that parents trust me to love, care and educate their children is so rewarding.
I have to give up control and accept this as my new normal.
Head over Heart
There are so many things in my life that I have to put head over heart. Believe me I want so badly to lead with my heart and follow with my head. That isn't working for me right now.
The other night I had a rough moment after an evening out. I felt disappointed and sad. A flood of emotions came rushing in as some terrible words and thoughts ran through my head. I wish I could say that my past doesn't affect me, but it does. No matter how hard I try to push the words to the back of my head they seem to find their way to the front of my mind in moments of stress.
As I sat the other night I had this feeling that maybe, just maybe I'm meant to be alone. Maybe what I bring to the table is just to much for someone else to handle. Maybe being alone wouldn't be so bad. I tell myself that I don't want to be alone but maybe I actually do.
As I described to a friend the other day what I wanted in a relationship she told me that it was completely unrealistic. Over the last 5 years I grown to enjoy my alone time (not always) I like being able to get up and go when I want with my boys. I want someone who enjoys that stuff too. I want them to have an independent relationship with their children, friends, work and so on... as well as a combined one (I know that sounds inconsistent) I guess what I'm saying is I want someone who's not always in my personal space and I'm not constantly in theirs. But then we can work together and be together all at the same time.
I think about the logistics of life and it scares me. No, it terrifies me, leading me to think that being alone might be the only option. Then I remind myself that God works in amazing ways and can make things happen that we never even could have imagined. My heart says anything and everything is possible my head says slow down Mary Beth, not so fast.
I'm so tired of people trying to impress me with things, I don't want things... impress me with your heart. I don't want to fall in love with things (They could all be gone in seconds) I want to fall in love with someones heart. Just like I want to be loved for my heart and the person that I am not the person you want me to be. My heart tells me I'm actually really AMAZING!
The other night I had a rough moment after an evening out. I felt disappointed and sad. A flood of emotions came rushing in as some terrible words and thoughts ran through my head. I wish I could say that my past doesn't affect me, but it does. No matter how hard I try to push the words to the back of my head they seem to find their way to the front of my mind in moments of stress.
As I sat the other night I had this feeling that maybe, just maybe I'm meant to be alone. Maybe what I bring to the table is just to much for someone else to handle. Maybe being alone wouldn't be so bad. I tell myself that I don't want to be alone but maybe I actually do.
As I described to a friend the other day what I wanted in a relationship she told me that it was completely unrealistic. Over the last 5 years I grown to enjoy my alone time (not always) I like being able to get up and go when I want with my boys. I want someone who enjoys that stuff too. I want them to have an independent relationship with their children, friends, work and so on... as well as a combined one (I know that sounds inconsistent) I guess what I'm saying is I want someone who's not always in my personal space and I'm not constantly in theirs. But then we can work together and be together all at the same time.
I think about the logistics of life and it scares me. No, it terrifies me, leading me to think that being alone might be the only option. Then I remind myself that God works in amazing ways and can make things happen that we never even could have imagined. My heart says anything and everything is possible my head says slow down Mary Beth, not so fast.
I'm so tired of people trying to impress me with things, I don't want things... impress me with your heart. I don't want to fall in love with things (They could all be gone in seconds) I want to fall in love with someones heart. Just like I want to be loved for my heart and the person that I am not the person you want me to be. My heart tells me I'm actually really AMAZING!
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