Head over Heart

There are so many things in my life that I have to put head over heart.  Believe me I want so badly to lead with my heart and follow with my head.  That isn't working for me right now.
The other night I had a rough moment after an evening out.  I felt disappointed and sad.  A flood of emotions came rushing in as some terrible words and thoughts ran through my head.  I wish I could say that my past doesn't affect me, but it does. No matter how hard I try to push the words to the back of my head they seem to find their way to the front of my mind in moments of stress.
As I sat the other night I had this feeling that maybe, just maybe I'm meant to be alone.  Maybe what I bring to the table is just to much for someone else to handle.  Maybe being alone wouldn't be so bad.  I tell myself that I don't want to be alone but maybe I actually do. 
As I described to a friend the other day what I wanted in a relationship she told me that it was completely unrealistic.  Over the last 5 years I grown to enjoy my alone time (not always) I like being able to get up and go when I want with my boys.  I want someone who enjoys that stuff too.  I want them to have an independent relationship with their children, friends, work and so on... as well as a combined one (I know that sounds inconsistent)  I guess what I'm saying is I want someone who's not always in my personal space and I'm not constantly in theirs.  But then we can work together and be together all at the same time. 
I think about the logistics of life and it scares me.  No, it terrifies me, leading me to think that being alone might be the only option.  Then I remind myself that God works in amazing ways and can make things happen that we never even could have imagined.  My heart says anything and everything is possible my head says slow down Mary Beth, not so fast.
I'm so tired of people trying to impress me with things, I don't want things... impress me with your heart.  I don't want to fall in love with things (They could all be gone in seconds) I want to fall in love with someones heart.  Just like I want to be loved for my heart and the person that I am not the person you want me to be.  My heart tells me I'm actually really AMAZING!