My Sweet Baby Boy ~ Micah

 This little boy made me a mamma!  I can't believe he is going to be 13 on the 27th of this month!!! Tonight I fell down the rabbit hole of old photos.  I've cried non stop thinking about how quickly the time has gone.  I have so many emotions running through me in this moment but I'll spare you.  I hope these bring a smile to your face the way it did mine.  Happy early Birthday my sweet Boy.  

My baby you'll always be, you were my dreams and prayers come true.  I Love you more than you'll ever know.

A Look Inside My Classroom

 I thought it might be fun to share a look inside my classroom.  My classroom is my home away from home.  I spend many hours putting it together to hopefully engage the kids and excite the children to learn.  Things look SO different this school year but I've manged to make the best of it.  Enjoy!

 

My Boys, My Whole Heart

My Boys are my whole heart!  I'm going to be super honest... My Boys can bring me my greatest highs but also my lowest lows.  As a young girl I wanted nothing more than to be a mom.  When I was asked when I was going to be when I grew up I only had one answer.  I was going to be a MOM.  I had all these ideas about what motherhood would be like and I knew I'd be the best Mom out there.  But, the reality is this is a harder job than I could have ever imagined.  I struggle daily with saying the right thing, making the right choices and not wanting to completely fail my boys.
I feel this huge weight on my shoulders raising three boys.  I want them to be confident, thoughtful, respectful, successful and have a loving heart not only for their family and those around them but also God.
As the boys grow older I find that they need me less and less with each new phase.  I'll tell ya I'm struggling with this, REALLY struggling.  My oldest recently had some pretty harsh words for me, I was completely shook and felt broken.  Everyone keeps reminding me that it's a phase and the age he's at.  This is all normal and to be expected.  We have really great moments and then without notice he's embarrassed to be around me and wants nothing to do with me.
I'm one of those mothers that likes to read as much as I can to try and gain insight into my children.  I want to be understanding not frustrated.  So, I thought what is it that my boys really need from me?  I found an handful of well respected opinions.  Maybe I need to stop reading and just trust my inner mother.  This is what I've found...

~ My sons needs me to let him go and let him fail.

~My sons need me to admit when I am wrong.

~My sons need me to affirm them in what they want to do, not what I want them to do.

~ My son needs me to model my faith, not push my faith on them.

~ My son needs me to model what a healthy woman looks like.

Let's start in the obvious place with number 1.  Letting go is something I've had to do over the last 5+ years, I didn't really have a choice.  But, I've also had to make the effort to let them make more decision and have the faith that I've laid a good foundation for good decision.  This leads to the second part... If that foundation isn't completely solid just yet I need to remind myself that failure is growth.  I think it's also important for them to see that I am not perfect and I also fail at times. This leads to number 2...

It's important for my boys to know that i am NOT perfect and that i fail, likely on a daily basis.  I need to model to them how to apologies and show them what it really means to be sorry.  Therefore it's okay to fail.  I want my boys to have humility, with that many other great characteristics will follow.

My boys are all SO very different, having unique passions.  As their mother I need to remember that I need to encourage what he enjoys and what he wants for himself.  I have to remind myself daily that trying to discourage his likes it will only push him further away from me.  My Boys were not given to me to please me or others around them but for what God wants for them.

When we make faith about rules, must dos and must not dos, by doing this we are robbing them of a very beautiful gift of freewill that Jesus himself died for.  This is why nurturing my boys faith from a very early age has been important and I'm hopeful to make all the difference for their future choice making.  My boys know that daily I take time out of my day even if it's just 5 minutes.  They are always welcome to join me or share special requests with me.  That's number 4.

And number 5... I know my boys look to me to model a healthy woman and the chances are good that they may marry someone very similar to myself. I want them to know that woman are not perfect and to be understanding. Being a mother is a selfless act most days so living a healthy life can be difficult at time, both physically and mentally.  We feel drained and empty many day, find something, anything outside of your family.  They need to see things other than just them make you happy.  This has been a challenge for me over the years.  But to give to myself shows the boys that it's okay and makes me a healthier mom.

So, what does that all mean?  Love your sons, let them fall, let them see you fall.  Believe in them and all their dreams even if they don't line up with yours.  Show him, don't push him. And be the best you that YOU can be for your sons.  

Bird Rescue

Yesterday while mowing the lawn the boys and I came across an injured bird.  Now, if you know anything about my boys you know that they LOVE animals.  All animals no matter the size.  We decided that the bird needed to be removed from the sidewalk where he could become more injured.  Our guess is that he fell out of the neighbors tree (they were having some yard clean up done) and he was on the younger side.  

I decided to get some gloves and a box (I read that its good to put them in a box in a dark space to rest and hopefully recover)  Now, if you know anything about me.... You know i'm not particularly fond of birds.  My boys (Jo and Noah) felt very passionate about this mission so I knew that it was my duty as their mother to help as much as I could and be brave.  Just as i prepared to pick up the bird Jo said, Mom would you like me to do it.  I felt a great sense of relief and handed him the gloves.  He was so calm reached down to pick up the bird and place him into the boys.  To our great surprise the bird popped up landing in the box.  

We decided to leave the box open to see if he would fly away on his own.  After awhile we realized he was not going to take off.  We closed the box, and placed a towel over the top to block out any light.  I then made a few phone calls (The boys were determined we were going to help this bird) with no success.  We checked on the bird throughout the day, the boys even found him worms.  We decided that we'd see how he was in the morning and make a decision from there.  Before bed Jo was very concerned about the bird requesting a special prayer.

When we woke this morning we checked on the bird and he didn't seem much better, maybe even worse.  We decided that the best plan would be to take the bird to the local forest preserve.  We loaded the box up in the car and headed over.  The boys asked that i carry the box, we found a good place to leave him.  While carrying the boys the bird started to flock around inside which freaked me out a bit but also gave me a bit of hope that he would fly away.  

We started to draw a few observers and we opened the box.  The anticipation was short lived.  The bird did not jump up and fly away but instead just stayed in the box.  We tipped the box and slowly edged him out.  I'm pretty certain that the bird will not make it, we said a quick prayer for him and headed back to the car.

I absolutely love that my boys have tender thoughtful hearts for not only the people around them but also animals.  This little experience pushed me out of my comfort zone and showed me again just how amazing my boys are. 

Another One...

Well, this morning I got that dreaded phone call from yet another friend.  We're likely moving out of state...those were the words I heard on the other end.  Of course I asked a few questions to gather more information and then burst into tears.  I don't know if I can handle losing yet another friend.

I can be rather stand offish, especially until I know your full and real intentions for our friendship.  Letting people into my inner circle can be very hard for me, trusting someone with my secrets and truly trusting that they'll be there for me no matter what comes my way.  I created a super safe inner circle over the last 10 years of friends.  It wasn't a huge circle but it was my safe circle.  Within the last 2 years I've lost 3 of those friends and now the reality that i'm losing more is real. 

I can feel myself going into shut down mode just moving my way through life rather than opening myself to the idea of adding to that inner circle.  Letting my guard down has been a huge challenge for me, I almost feel as if people can see right thought me.  They can see all the bruises on my body and all the terrible words.  I much rather just move forward smiling and loving what I do have, my boys and my students.  Letting new people in seems terrifying, something I'm not up for.

I finally felt like things were starting to fall back into place with all the changes over the last 4 months.  I'm going to choose positive and courage through this...

Tyler Shaw - To the man who let her go

Be Kind

My Fireplace Project

About a month ago one of my good friends inspired me when she showed me her fireplace project.  I chose a completely different design but I couldn't be happier with how it turned out.  Below is the before, in progress and end result.  I haven't sealed it because my perfectionist self will likely touch it up some more.  I realize that the end result is not for everyone but it makes for a great statement!

 

Accepting the new normal

This last week since my 38th Birthday I've realized and accepted a few things...

Let me start by saying that returning to barre this past week has helped greatly!  I've already been to a handful of classes (today's was in the rain) and I'm already starting to feel like myself again.  But, I've accepted that it's going to look different for awhile.  I'm just thankful that I can move and feel amazing.

Today I decided that we needed to start changing the way we've been doing things at home.  Everyone is bored are complains often to let me know.  I accept the fact that we are a two home family and if they want to go to their dads for a change of scenery then that's just fine.  This doesn't make me a bad mom... but, actually a better mom.

I also know that this next school year will look different.  I have no idea what it will look like but I'm accepting that no matter what, it will be amazing.  I love what I do and I'm thankful for the opportunity to help mold the lives of little people.  The fact that parents trust me to love, care and educate their children is so rewarding.

I have to give up control and accept this as my new normal.

Head over Heart

There are so many things in my life that I have to put head over heart.  Believe me I want so badly to lead with my heart and follow with my head.  That isn't working for me right now.
The other night I had a rough moment after an evening out.  I felt disappointed and sad.  A flood of emotions came rushing in as some terrible words and thoughts ran through my head.  I wish I could say that my past doesn't affect me, but it does. No matter how hard I try to push the words to the back of my head they seem to find their way to the front of my mind in moments of stress.
As I sat the other night I had this feeling that maybe, just maybe I'm meant to be alone.  Maybe what I bring to the table is just to much for someone else to handle.  Maybe being alone wouldn't be so bad.  I tell myself that I don't want to be alone but maybe I actually do. 
As I described to a friend the other day what I wanted in a relationship she told me that it was completely unrealistic.  Over the last 5 years I grown to enjoy my alone time (not always) I like being able to get up and go when I want with my boys.  I want someone who enjoys that stuff too.  I want them to have an independent relationship with their children, friends, work and so on... as well as a combined one (I know that sounds inconsistent)  I guess what I'm saying is I want someone who's not always in my personal space and I'm not constantly in theirs.  But then we can work together and be together all at the same time. 
I think about the logistics of life and it scares me.  No, it terrifies me, leading me to think that being alone might be the only option.  Then I remind myself that God works in amazing ways and can make things happen that we never even could have imagined.  My heart says anything and everything is possible my head says slow down Mary Beth, not so fast.
I'm so tired of people trying to impress me with things, I don't want things... impress me with your heart.  I don't want to fall in love with things (They could all be gone in seconds) I want to fall in love with someones heart.  Just like I want to be loved for my heart and the person that I am not the person you want me to be.  My heart tells me I'm actually really AMAZING!

Last Day of PreK 2019-2020

Today I woke up early (I was a bit emotional last night anticipating the day).  First thing I did was workout, make breakfast, and showered to prepare for my last day of PreK.  This year will always hold a special place in my heart.  (The last class I taught before having Micah all graduates high school this year)  This was my first year in 4 day PreK, I was in my own classroom (I didn't have to share a space) I worked for hours making the room exactly how I imagined for my 16 little friends.

Today we had our final goodbye.  We invited the family to join us one last time calling it Stop & Go.  A couple weeks ago I went in and cleaned out my classroom gathering the kids things into yellow bags.  I then brought home all of their portfolios and bound them together adding a few extra surprises.  

I placed all of the bags on the fence and took my place on the other side.  The families lined up just as they would for drop off but this time parent and child were invited to hop out grab their bag get a quick picture and say our goodbyes.  When I say the kiddos have grown so much over the past couple months I truly mean it.  

I look forward to seeing them in the hallways next year as they stop in to pick up siblings.  Times goes by way to fast but I am so thankful for the time we shared together.  I received so many thoughtful notes and kind words that brought tears to my eyes.  Here is to the Class of 2033!

I Hate This

Somebody Like That

Banana Bread

One of my favorite ways for my boys to wake is with the smell of something delicious in the air.  Yes, even on busy school morning I make muffins, waffles, pancake and yummy breads. (this is not the box kind)  One of our go to favorites is a recipe that my good friend Sahana gave me a few years back. (I believe it was originally a Betty Crocker recipe but I've altered it a bit) I consider it to be simple and I always have the ingredients in the house.  So, today we started our morning with Banana bread.  I have passed this recipe on over the years with many of you but thought I would post it here so you ALWAYS have it.

Banana Bread Ingredients:

3 ripe bananas
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 cup soft butter
1 cup sugar
1/2 tsp vanilla
1 tbsp milk
1 cup chocolate chips
3/4 cup chopped walnuts (optional)

I start my throwing my bananas in my mixer to get them mashed up.  I then throw in all the other ingredients minus the chocolate chips and nuts until everything else is blended.  Then  I add the chocolate and nuts.  My boys prefer I leave out the nuts so I do more often than not.  I throw in more chocolate to make up for the missing nuts. (Another change to the original recipe.  They also prefer that I make mini loafs.  I put them in the over at 325 for 40-45 mins.  If I make a standard loaf I bake it for 60-75 mins. 

Enjoy!

Katydid

My sister Katelyn is one of my best friends.  Our relationship has grown and changed so much over the years.  I was just 10 years old when she was born.  I had begged my mom for years to have a little sister.  I wanted to mother a little baby so badly.  I still remember the day we found out that my mom was pregnant.  I was so excited, my little dreams were coming true.  I can remember picking out bottles, bedding, tiny dresses all for this sister I would one day snuggle.  I was excited to share my room with her.  I made sure her bed was made perfectly and ready for her,

The night she was born (December 27th...she shares a birthday with my Noah) I can remember waiting by the phone for the call that we could see our new baby sister.  We went into the hospital and there on the other side of the glass was our little Katydid in a warmer.  I knew we would forever share a special bond.  From that point on I mothered Katie as my very own.  Anything a mother would do for their baby I could do.  I bathed her, made bottles in the night, rocked her to sleep.  She was my whole world.  

Later when Katie was 18 and graduated from high school she moved in with me and my family.  I had just had Josiah (he was maybe 3 weeks old) and Micah was 2.5 years old.  I can remember her watching me as I managed the boys.  I can only hope and pray that I was a good role model for her.

Last August when Katie told me she was pregnant, I was excited but shocked that my baby was having a baby.  Then when we found out that she was having a little girl the excitement started to bubble over.  I knew that this little girl would be loved enormously.  I couldn't wait to be a part of her arrival, even if it was just preparing meals and cleaning up.  I just wanted to help and support Katie however I could.

Katie went into labor on March 24th, then later delivered her on the 25th.  I stayed up all night exchanging texts with Katie and eventually only Nick.  The next morning I was having my surgery. (pictures and updates helped get me through the process)  With the pandemic we didn't know when I'd be able to visit and finally meet Edith.  This was heartbreaking to me, I had been waiting for this day for so long.

Everyday since sweet Eddie was born Katie sends me pictures and I would long to snuggle that sweet girl.  About a week ago Katie told me she was open to me coming to visit.  I know she's worried about returning to work and possibly bringing something home to the baby.  I've been quarantined (Yes, I'm a rule follower) with a trip to the store every couple weeks.  I had mentioned i might just drop everything and come at some point.  I woke yesterday and dropped the boys at their dads and came home.  By 11 I decided that this was the day.  I got in my car and drove just over 3 hours to finally meet my sweet girl.  She is absolutely incredible.  When i held her for the first time my heart instantly started to fill.  These last few months have left me feeling a bit empty, she is a filler!

Yesterday and today watching Katie with Eddie she is a natural.  As I watched her bath her, and settle her into her bedtime routine i started to cry.  My baby sister is now a mommy and a really good one.  I wish I could have stayed longer and helped more.  I left just 24 hours after arriving to head home to my boys.  I am so Thankful for the last 24 hours

I Picked Right

This morning I was reviewing somethings I had written awhile back (on my dating like a mother blog) all the way back to September 16, 2017.  This brought tears to my eyes because I still remember that night and that couple all those years later.  I had briefly forgotten but then it all came back and brought a smile to my face instantly!
Below is the exact post I made all those years ago...

A couple weeks ago i was at dinner.  I noticed the couple down the way were out celebrating their anniversary.  I looked across the table and i said, "they're so cute, and they're celebrating their anniversary.  I heard the waiter congratulate them" I then joked, do you think it's their first or second marriage?  He quickly responded, first.  As they got up from the table and headed our direction, the question was asked.  We couldn't help but notice it's your anniversary and were wondering how many years you are celebrating.  The women responded 64 years.  My date then said, "whats the secret?" The women hemmed and hawed for a moment and said something about putting up him the little stuff. The gentleman was making his way over and quickly said without even thinking said... "I picked right" 

He picked right.  I sure hope i get the chance to pick right.  Choosing someone to spend your life with is simple but so hard at the same time.  It's a simple but complicated commitment to working through the good and the bad, maybe even the dark times.  Finding someone who you can love and hate at the very same moment never wavering on the commitment you made to one another and your family.  No one said this would be simple.  I guarantee that the couple in the restaurant experienced all the highs and lows that life brings.  But, they made it that far together.  Certainly there are deal breakers (and boy did i experience those) but i'm optimistic that it's out there.  I AM going to pick right!

Fight Song

I still remember the first time I heard this song.  One of my good girlfriends (Cassie) tagged this as MY fight song.  She would call me randomly when she would hear it and tell me to turn on the radio and turn it up real loud.  It fit my story perfectly.  And it still does.  Today while I was mowing the lawn (Another thing I do all on my own) this song came on. This is my fight song, I've taken back my life.  I lost everything I ever knew and fought so hard to stay afloat but I did it.

I am still riddled with fear and uncertainty.  The worries I wake up with daily some days make me not want to get out of bed are numbing.  But I've still got a lot of fight left in me.  These past few months have kicked me on my butt.  I felt like I lost so many things that were important to me. I know I can do hard things, and handle it all on my own.  I just don't want to.  So, put me in coach... I'm ready.

Why would anyone make this choice?

I absolutely love Kristina.  I saw this posted yesterday and it's so true.  The first time I saw one of her videos was her one about single moms.  I cry every time I watch it.  If I can find it I'll post it as well.  Okay so i could only add one video, So hopefully the link below works.

https://youtu.be/KUEDImzAjSg

Doin' Fine

I'm doing fine enough to know that everyone's a little broken
Fine enough to learn that hearts are best when they're wide open

Flat Ms. Mary Beth

I've been on a lot of adventures over the last week.  Here are just a few of the pictures I received...

Classroom Shut Down

Today I went into school to close up my classroom for the year.  Last week when I signed up for a clean out day I wasn't sure how I would feel or react when I walked into my room.  I didn't sleep well last night not knowing how today would go.  

I woke up this morning just like any other school morning.  If felt good to be in my old routine.   I arrived at school about 8:30.  I walked into my room and just stood there for awhile taking it all in.  My classroom was frozen in time.  The calendar was still set to March 12th, the weather was up.  My question of the day was up and ready, centers were up in baskets.  I then started to fumble around trying to figure out where to start.  I finally decided to start by labeling the grab and go bags.  Then I was able to start to fill the bags with the kids belongings.  

Not long after that my assistant showed up and started working on cleaning out the cabinets.  From there we continued to work until the room was bare.  It felt sad because everything was left in the middle of half  done.  I ended up bringing home two tubs of thing.  The next couple weeks i'll be working to finish the kids portfolios.  

This was not how I saw my school year ending but I'm thankful for the time I did have with my precious class.  Grab and Go will NOT be likely without tears.  When I arrived home this afternoon I felt completely exhausted emotionally and physically.  The tears didn't flow today but I was drained.

These past 4 months has changed so much of my life.  I had experienced a lot of loss.  I've finally started to close chapters and realize that there is light at the end of the tunnel starting to show.  I look forward to what comes next and what is planned for me.  

Below are some of the photos I took before the close up and those after.  

And one of my Birthday Boy!!!