Let me start by saying that this is my mountain i understand that it's a hill for some but it feels like its just hill after hill more me. It's mine and i'm allowed to feel all the emotions that come with it.
Last Wednesday, I left school feeling nervous and scared. I'd been through this before and assured my friends I would be just fine driving myself. I arrived early, because that's just what I do. I sat in the parking lot praying that my mountain would be a simple walk this time. They called me back, I changed into one of their pink tie shirts. I then sat and waited in a silent room with other women. I wondered where they were in their journey. No one making eye contact. Again they called me back. They led me to an ultrasound room where the procedure would take place. The ultrasound tech introduced herself and said she's be assisting the doctor.
There were two spots they planned to biopsy. One at 2 o'clock and another at about 6 o'clock. I actually found the one myself months earlier. But, since I had just had a lump removed in the same area in December 2017 I didn't really think much of it. Back to Wednesday... I laid on the table while I waited for the doctor to come in. She talked through what was going to take place and said she'd start by numbing the area. This was more painful that I recalled. She then began to retrieve samples from the first area. Then attempting to reach he second from the first entry point. She was unsuccessful, so she nicked the skin again. I laid there the whole time with tears rolling down my face as I felt the hot blood running down my rib cage. With ever click of the biopsy tool I closed my eyes tighter. Eventually they were done. They changed my top and sent me back out in the waiting room.
While waiting in that room there was now a women in there on her phone. She was clearly a patients mother, discussing what she was going to make her tired and hungry daughter for dinner. I then realized I still had to make a dinner plan for my tired and hungry children. They called me back again to have a follow up mammogram. This is just inhumane. Again out to the waiting room I went. This woman was still on her phone. At this point Iwanted to scream at her to hang up and have a little respect.
I was waiting for the doctor to read the mammogram and send me on my way. The nurse came out and said I could leave leading me to the changing room. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I changed as quickly as I could and walked myself to the car. As I reached the car I broke into tears. I called a friend on the way home to keep me calm.
I arrived home deciding the just pick up dinner. I picked up dinner for the boys and realized i was in a lot more pain than I thought I would be. Finally around 7 the boys were picked up and i was able to try and rest.
I woke the next morning with a plan to work. My co-worked texted me and I said yes I would be in. I was sore but i would be there. I got out of bed and walked into the bathroom and that's when I realized I bled quite a bit over night. I cleaned myself up and still felt that work was the best place for me. I wanted to be around people and my students that I love so much. That evening when I removed all the bandages I was shocked at the condition i was left it. The bruising was beyond anything I expected.
Fast forward to Friday... We had morning meeting for an in service. I was still sore but in good spirits. I had finally slept well the night before. During my meeting I missed a phone call from my doctor. She left me a message saying she'd like me to call her at my earliest opportunity. So, that's just what I did. I left a message. I actually called back probably 4 times before 5pm. I then realized I wouldn't be hearing anything until Monday. I convinced myself that she was just calling to see how I was doing.
Monday morning my phone rang and i quickly answered it. It was the doctor. She said so, your one lump is benign. The other one is an intraductal papilloma. This still means very little to me. She said that these growths can cause for higher risk of breast cancer. Again i still don't fully understand. She said she wants me to go see the surgeon to have it removed. Occasionally she said they watch these for growth but mine is pretty big and needs to come out. She also said I couldn't see my previous surgeon but instead wants me to see someone different.
I'm just feeling frustrated because this is yet another surgery. I am terrible at asking for help and don't open up easily letting others in. Not having family in the area requires me to ask for help. Things like this push me way out of my comfort zone. I just want life to settle a little for me.
I know that this seems like a hill to many, and I also realize that others are facing mountains right now, but... that doesn't mean it's not scary for me. One thing that is always true is change. It may seem dark right now but the sun always comes out again. God is faithful and he ALWAYS provides.
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